Note: The following Story is Copyright 1997, by Harry Pellow, 
      All Rights Reserved. Now available on Floppy Disk from 
      HCP Research, 20655 Sunrise Drive, Cupertino, CA 95014. 
      Phone: (408) 727-1864. Fax: (408) 727-0951.
      E-mail: maestro@well.com

WATER-COOLED ENGINES,
AIR-COOLED ENGINES
AND NOW- GASOLINE COOLED ENGINES!

     July 31, 1995. A Monday. It was a warm day in Sambo Se.
(Actually it was hotter'n Hell in Sambo Se- about to reach
Triple Digits- again!) And of course, the Summer Rush was on. 

     The Maestro was dealing with more than his usual Monday
morning rash of phone calls- most of them from poor 356 or
poorer 912 owners whose cars suffered breakdowns over the
hot weekend. The Maestro knows that feeling well, 'cause his
own car broke down over that hot weekend too! (Actually,
it's really Mrs. Maestro's car, but when it breaks down,
it's (A.) the Maestro's car then, and (B.) His fault that
her car broke down, no matter WHAT the Problem really was! 
Sigh.)

     Yes, the Family 528i BMW with a mere 197,528 miles on it
developed a major water leak from a minor water hose that
heats the intake manifold. (Such a problem- Water-Heater
intake manifolds and leaks from hoses attached thereto- are
a problem 356's NEVER have. 944's need two counter-rotating
balance shafts to balance themselves, so the the Worst Curse
you can put on a 944 Owner is: "May your Balance shafts be
installed backwards, forever". 356's don't need no
steenkin' balance shafts nor hot-water hoses! 

     But water-cooled/heated BMW's DO need intact 8mm (13mm
Outside Diameter), water-heated intake manifold hoses -
especially when that itty-bitty 8mm water hose fails. And,
by Actual Test, how long does it take a BMW 528i to pump out
A WHOLE ENGINE'S WORTH OF Prestones' finest anti-freeze
while trying to make it home down the El Camino? Not very
long. About as far as you can go with a broken 356 fan belt.
Two, three miles. Then, it's tow truck time. 

     Needless to say, Mrs. Maestro wasn't very happy about
this. In fact, she was a-tappin' her foot, waiting
impatiently for the Maestro to FIX HER CAR! 

Since then, the Maestro's Center of Higher Reasoning was
a-workin' like crazy in the background, trying to figure out
how to shrink the Maestro's hands down by a factor of three,
so he could reach in and undo the tiny Hose Clamp installed
by the hands of Elves at the BMW Factory. Or find some other
way to remove the damn hose clamp short of dropping the
engine. (Elves at the BMW Factory, by the way, never worked
at the 356 Factory, as most everything on a 356 can be
gotten to with a Normal pair of hands,... though Supers are
better.) 

     With bloodied hands and a definite Honey-do from his Mrs.,
the Maestro was a-tryin' to find a replacement hose from his
faithful Wholesalers. If he could only get off the phone
long enough to call the importer and order the damn hose!

     About the fifth call in a row, though, the Maestro heard an
earfull from a poor 356 driver/owner, in FAR worse shape
than the Maestro was. Potentially. He thought he's pass it
on to you. And, boy was there ever a Story there! 
Here it is: 

     Ringggggg.,,, Ringgggggg said the phone. 

     "Maestro here", said the Maestro.

     "WOW! Said the Voice On the Phone (VOP). "The Maestro. Wow.
Man. So you really DO exist!!!???"

     The Maestro, after checking around to be sure he indeed,
does exist said:

"Yes my son, I think I do, Therefore I Am, ... in.

     "Oh, wow- man, maybe you can help me. I'm from Hollywood,
but I'm now up here, in The City, visiting. I've got a 1964
356C Cab, and it's got a Strong Smell of GASOLINE inside.
It's pretty bad, man- my girlfriend and I almost passed out
from the smell- and that's while driving with the top DOWN!"

     "Hummh," said the Maestro, astutely grasping the obvious,
"If you're from L.A. and you're being overwhelmed by the
smell of gasoline with the top DOWN, you've got a pretty bad
gas leak. Your oughta find and fix it fast! And that's my
Professional Opinion." 

     "Well, said the Man From Hollywood, "I've looked all over
the car, but I can't see anything dripping. But it's a REAL
strong gas smell. I 'd sure like to bring it by your shop on
my way back to L.A..

     "Sure," said the Maestro, always willing to help out a poor
356 owner in times of distress. "But be forewarned and
careful- a gas leak can very easily lead to a Conflagration
of the Worst Kind- - one where you make an ash of yourself,
your car and maybe your girlfriend."

     The guy said he'd be REAL careful and would be down in a
couple of hours. Maybe.

     Just then, the Maestro's call-waiting beeper beeped and he
went back to take next call. 

     An hour later, the Maestro finally called the Wholesaler,
and got his voice mail. Left message. Called the first BMW
Dealer. Put on hold for parts. Waited five minutes until
call-waiting beeped. Called Second BMW Dealer Tried to
explain the hose. No, it's a small hose, about half-inch
Outside Diameter, about 2 feet long and has a simple curve
at the end. No it doesn't have a "question mark" at one end.
No, it's not a heater hose. No, it's not a '85 528e, it's an
'80 528i. That's Eighty. Eight-Zero. 

     Eventually, he got through to his Wholesaler, Steve. Who
patiently thumbed through the BMW heating/cooling system
Book, found the diagram which showed every hose EXCEPT the
one the Maestro needed. Of course. BY Murphy.

     One hose came close though. Call waiting beeped. DECISION
TIME! The Maestro hoped it would be close enough for BMW
work and ordered it. 

     Two hours later, as the Maestro was about to take his first
bite of his long-overdue lunchtime sandwich, he heard the
unmistakable sound of a 356 pulling into the driveway of the
Shop. Sho' 'nough, it was the 356 with the strong odor of
gasoline.

     Reluctantly, the Maestro put down his sandwich and ambled
past the Laser Disintegrator, out the door to greet the 356
Owner.

     It was the gassed-out owner. From Hollywood. And what the
owner said on the phone was true- as soon as the Maestro
ambled over to the immediately vicinity of the 356, there
was indeed an eau de la of Chevron's finest in the air.
Tally ho, that old Dinosaur perfume.

     "Boy, you weren't a-whistlin' Dixie about that smell of
gasoline," said the Maestro, smelling the obvious. It IS
strong. You DO have a serious problem."

     Dropping to one knee in awe of the fumes, the Maestro
first looked UNDER the car to see where the fuel line had
sprung a leak. Nothing. No dripee of panther pee. No obvious
leakee. So it wasn't gonna be the obvious problem. These
days it never is. Make heap many good Stories though.

     So the Maestro checked out the other usual places. Taking
out the front trunk protector of the 356C, he inspected the
fuel gauge sender areas. It was dry. He checked the fuel
filler and cap area. All dry. He checked the gas tank vent
line. Dry as a bone. He looked under the car to see if the
dreaded fuel cock or its lines had spring a leak (like the
one that three years ago had leaked 11 gallons of Chevron's
finest out on the floor of the Maestro's new garage in the
new home, just as the electricity was about to be turned
on!)

     Nope, the fuel cock too was dry. Hummh, thought the
Maestro. That's about it f or this end. Guess we better
check her other end.

     The Maestro popped open the engine lid and eyeballed the
engine and was SHOCKED AND SURPRISED- not to find the leak,
but to find a VOLKSWAGEN ENGINE where a Porsche oughta be! 

     What's this doing here, he snapped at the Owner. "Your car
is a Porsche. Not a VW. And Porsches don't cotton kindly to
having VW engines stuck up their, er in them. That's why she
tried to gas you. She want's her Original Engine back." 

     "Oh, yeah, and I still have it," said the owner. "When I
bought the car, the previous owner had taken the Original
engine out- it was sick- and replaced it with this hopped-up
VW. The Original's in the garage, Engine, but it need a
rebuild. 

     Groan, thought the Maestro. No wonder the poor 356 was
giving off great quantities of gas- it was trying to tell
the new owner that IT WANTED ITS PORSCHE ENGINE BACK!!!
Looks like she was willing to KILL for it! The Maestro's
found out through Experience it's Damn Dangerous to cross
them Damens. They can make your life Heaven or Hell, and
send you there too. 

     The Maestro quickly eyeballed the VW-in-a-Porsche
installation, and concluded that it was a Typical El Lay
installation. It passed (or failed, depending on how you
look at it) the LA VW Mechanic Test.

     The VW engine was stuck into the Porsche with no Rear
Plate nor Side Horizontal Tin to keep hot air from
re-entering the engine compartment (and thence the engine).
Making it run hot. And shortening its sure to be short Life.
An attempt at least had been made to maintain a connection
with the Porsche, as the VW mechanic had welded VW flanges
to a Porsche muffler so the Porsche muffler could attach to
the VW engine, making it look like a Porsche, but we know
better. 

     Unfortunately, said VW mechanic was a-makin' sure, for he
also welded the "J" Tubes direct TO the muffler too! Making
it ever the more difficult to REMOVE the muffler! Or the "J"
Tubes. 

     A little more eyeballing showed that the L.A. VW Mechanic
had even tried to fit the Porsche Heater Boxes and "J" tubes
to the VW. Tried, but failed! The Porsche Heater Boxes fit
on the VW- sorta- though the "U" shaped cut-out that
normally goes under the exhaust outlet of the Porsche was
sticking up vestigially on the VW, making a Hellofa hole for
cooling air to escape.

     At the front of the engine, the Porsche "J" tubes with the
welded-on VW-exhaust flanges were trying to mate with the
Porsche Heater Boxes stuck on the VW engine. Unfortunately,
since VW engines are a different species from Porsches, the
angle of the dangle wasn't right, and the "J" tube was
cantered over at a crazy angle- too far apart from air
outlet of the Heater Box for proper mating. They could
neither reproduce, nor produce much heat either, thought the
Maestro. But, hey, in Hollywood, if you're reproducing (get
it, Re- Producing, being a Movie Producer again!) who needs
heat? 

     The Maestro decided to get a closer look at this
Monstrosity of a conversion, for that was surely where the
problem(s) lie (lay, laid, whatever). So he stuck his head
inside the engine compartment, He looked at the VW fuel
pump. It didn't appear to be leaking. He looked at the VW
fuel lines that disappeared up OVER the MIDDLE of the fan
shroud. They didn't seem to be leaking either

     Then he took a breath.

     And DAMN NEAR DIED! 

     Damn near died 'cause there was almost NO Oxygen in that
breath he took! It was 99 and 44/100 percent pure GASOLINE
VAPOR!

     Gasping, he pulled his head and its attached body out of
the engine compartment, inhaled a large draft of Real Sambo
Se Smog and quickly regaining his composure- (and some
needed oxygen), dropped to his knees again to look under the
engine for the expected MONSTER of a gas leak- that Mother
of all gas leaks that tries to kill mechanics who try to
find them!

     Nothing- no drips nowhere underneath! 

     By my Grandfather's name, that's Strange! the Maestro
thought. 

     Again, the Maestro returned to the engine compartment-
this time holding his breath. There's a Hellofa of a gas
leak here, and I intend to find it. 

     This time he reached around the fan shroud, following
the fuel line with his hand. Just to the front of the fan
shroud his hand found a fuel filter. He pulled the fuel
filter up to inspect its connections, and as the fuel filter
came into view of the Maestro's well-trained, optically
enhanced eye, he noticed a Seminal Stream of Gasoline,
squirting Copiously INTO THE FAN!

     Quickly he screamed at the owner to SHUTITOFF!!! Which the
owner did. Quickly.

     The Maestro jumped back from the car, drew in a another big
breath of Sambo Se's finest 100 degree smog, and said: "I
think I've found your problem!" 

     "Why That's AMAZING!," said the Owner. What is it?"

     "It's your VW Engine. Or the mechanic who did it!"

     Regaining his composure, and breath, the Maestro once again
returned to the scene of the leak, pulled up the fuel filter
from in front of the fan shroud and showed the owner the
leak.
     And explained that the fuel filter had been mounted
INCREDIBLY STUPIDLY- in such a way that the filter had been
SUCKED INTO THE FAN! 

     Yes- that's right! The Fuel Filter was SUCKED INTO THE
FAN! And the fan, as it is wont to do under those
circumstances, it's temper having been aroused, attacked
the fuel filter. Showing no Mercy, the fan took a chunk out
of the fuel filter's hide, and caused a decent gas leak-
about normal male urinary tract discharge rate one-half hour
after three beers.

     The strong stream of gasoline was sucked into the Fan, and
from there distributed ALL OVER THE HOT FINS OF THE
CYLINDERS & HEADS! The engine was hot enough (on a 100
degree day), to evaporate allllll of the steady stream of
Gasoline faster'n the gasoline could drip down, run off and
Be Obvious.

     The rapidly evaporating gasoline also COOLED the hot
heads and cylinders, and making this VW-powered, 356 Porsche
one of the first, and hopefully the last, with an
L.A.-built, gasoline-COOLED engine! Which probably saved the
engine's life coming up from Hollywood! 

     Come to think of it- if you ever wanted to MAKE a Gasoline
Evaporator to evaporate gasoline in A Most Efficient Manner,
the VW-powered Gasoline Evaporator is a good technique to
use- lots of Nice & Hot Heat Transfer Surface area! A
high-capacity fan to sling the raw gas all over the hot
heads and cylinders. Air Deflectors that make sure the
gasoline comes into intimate contact with the hot fins. Add
a cylinder head leak for Excitement. And lots of gasoline.

     How much Gasoline? Well, the guy had a full tank when he
left The City & County of San Francisco, but ended up with
less than half a tank when he got the 40 miles to the
Maestro's shop. 

     So, let's see. The Porsche 356 gas tank holds about 12
gallons. Half of that is, say, 6 gallons. It takes about 2
gallons to get from the City to Sambo Se, so FOUR GALLONS
OF GASOLINE LEAKED OUT ALL OVER THE ENGINE in 40 miles!!!
(Well, that's still 10 mpg, not bad for a Recreational
Vehicle.) 

     The Maestro is once again convinced that there is a God.
One who, it is said, protects not only Widows, Orphans, the
United States of America but newbie Porsche Owners (and
their girlfriends) from disaster! From becoming TOAST! First
you Burn. Then you Crash. Then you Burn some more. Burn.
Crash. Burn. Your Time's up. 

     The Maestro is also convinced that ifin HE had the same
damn problem in his car, that as sure as the sun will burn
out someday, surely some stray spark from a spark plug wire,
or stray free radical from a subtle exhaust leak would have
lit the Maestro's torch. And he would have gone down in
flames, his noontime sandwich, Toast!

     In case you're still not convinced of the existence of a
Porsche god able to bless cursed cars, the Maestro
personally challenges YOU to spray FOUR GALLONS of GASOLINE
into YOUR fan shroud with the engine RUNNING for an hour and
SURVIVE! Ifin you do this experiment, and indeed survive
with an intact Porsche and less than third degree burns, the
Maestro would like to hear about it!

     Until then, you'd damn well better:

     KEEP THE 356 FAITH!!! 

     P.S. On Monday, the Maestro thought the above was one
Hellofa Story, but by Friday, it got even better!

     On Monday, the Maestro thought the Fan-Failed Fuel Filter
Story was one Hellofa Story. But by Friday, it got even
better!

     If you'll recall, the Maestro, not having any 6mm VW fuel
line laying about, replaced the leaking fuel filter on the
VW Engine that was in a 356C Cabriolet with a new one. To be
s sure this would NOT happen again, he tied the fuel filter
with TWO cable ties as close as possible to the LEFT-hand
deck lid mount- as far away from the fan intake as possible!
(He even checked to make sure the fuel filter wouldn't do
anything funny- in a Murpheysian Sense- when the deck lid
closed.

     The Maestro even gave the guy ANOTHER fuel filter as a
spare, and two new cable ties, just in case of Emergency!

     The Guy asked which way to go back to L.A. The Maestro,
brimingly overconfident, just Knew It All today. "Route 1 is
the prettiest way," he said authoritatively. "But it takes
longer. Also, I just heard on KCBS that Route 101 is cooler
but is closed by a grass fire at Santa Barbara. And Route 5
is hotter'n Hell now, but is a straight shot to L.A. Those
are the choices.

     "Well, said the guy- "We came up Route 1, so we've seen
that. Guess that leaves 101 or 5. 

     The Maestro waved them off as they began the journey back
to the City of Angels (and Angles). The girl even gave the
Maestro a sincere smile, happy to be free of the Perfuma
Chevron-a. He always likes it when a SYT (Sweet Young Thing)
sends a smile his way.

     That was Monday. On Friday, the phone rang. The Maestro
answered it.

     "Hi there, said the VOP. I'm the guy from Hollywood with
the Porsche with the VW engine with the fuel filter leak.
Remember me."

     "Yes, Yes cried the Maestro. "How could I forget THAT! You
mustave made it to L.A.. And you're still alive too! Boy,
you really can't beat having the Maestro lay his hands on
your engine, can you?" said the Maestro, now just
overflowing with overconfidence. 

     "Yeah, well let me tell you the Story," said the VOP. "We
made it down to L.A., but Something Interesting happened
along the way!

     "Oh?" said the Maestro. Something I interesting
happened?", sensing that something was in the air. Was it
CHEVRON?

     "It sure did! Anyway, we decided to go down to Monterey
and Carmel. We did the town, had dinner and started off for
LA about 9 at night. Got about 50 miles out of Monterey
where there was NOTHING! No Exits. No Gas Stations. And
suddenly that awful strong smell of gasoline started again!

     (The Maestro, picturing what's about to happen was now
holding his head in his hands.) I looked at the gas
gauge- and it was about half full- but I could see it
MOVING- towards empty. And there was NOTHING around. No
Towns. No Gas Stations No stores. No Nothin'. 

     "Like about 10 miles down the road with the gas gauge
almost on empty, I saw an exit with a sign for "GHASTLY Food
and Fuel", and took it. Just when I pulled into the pumps,
the car stalled- it was out of gas! And a Big Cloud of
Steam was coming off the engine! (Note: That wasn't steam
thought the Maestro, not wanting to interrupt the Story,
that GASOLINE VAPOR! It had leaked 5 gallons in 50 miles (10
mpg), and was a BIGGER leak that before!) 

     The gas station guy was just closing and had turned off
all the lights. I begged him to put some gas in the car. At
first he said no, but eventually he opened the pumps and
filled me up. I drove a couple hundred yards and parked
under a street lamp. And, thank you Maestro for showing me
what had happened before. And giving me the spare parts.
That extra fuel filter saved my life! 

     "Geeez, said the Maestro, brought back down to Earth and
Absolutely Appalled that his quick fix had failed and almost
caused the guy to blow up a Second Time. (You don't get too
many of theses second times!) "Yes, yes. So, What happened
next?

     Well, it was that damn fuel filter again! It appears that
the fuel LINE must have been sucked into the fan and pulled
the fuel filter with it- 'cause the fuel filter had the same
kind of damage as before. But now the fabric fuel line
itself is leaking- in several places. Attacked by the fan
again. 

     I didn't have a knife to cut off the bad parts of the fuel
line, so my girl- all by herself- walks into this Biker Bar
just down the street. I thought that would be the last time
I'd ever see her, but she came back out with the OWNER of
the bar who DID have a good, sharp knife on him,
(switchblade, of course), and I used it to cut and repair
the line. I even used the tie-straps you gave me just in
case of Emergency- they saved my life! I tied the fuel line
to the wire that runs across the engine compartment, in
front of the Fan Shroud.

     "And, Boy," said the guy. "If we had gone down Route 1
with all those curves and cliffs and no place to pull off
and this happened,... Wow! 

     (Yes, that thought had entered the Maestro's mind too.
What a way to lose a Customer!) 

     "But what's Unbelievable about this whole story,"
continued the guy. "Is to have your car run out of gas RIGHT
AT THE GAS PUMP of the ONLY gas station within 50 miles,
now that's Amazing!

     "No, my son, that's not amazing- that's a 356 Porsche! If
they LIKE you, they'll only break down where they know you
can fix them! If they DON'T like you, or you don't treat
them right, they'll break down in the Most God-forsaken
place on Earth- like Biloxi, Mississippi. Or the Golden Gate
Bridge at 2:AM on a Saturday night/Sunday morning when you
have a buzz on!

     That's why it's sooooo important for you to FIX THE
ORIGINAL ENGINE as soon as possible. She must really hate
how her Original Parts were grafted, Frankenstein-like, onto
a VW engine!

     She's now warned you twice- and could have killed you
either time with one quick flash from her plug wires. 

     And, Remember- The Next Time is the Third Time, and that's
the Charm!

     "Yeah, and I've been thinking about that too," said the
guy. "I decided to park her in my garage until I can get the
bucks together for the engine overhaul!

     "Now, THAT, my boy could be the smartest decision of your
Life!"! You've learned how to: KEEP THE 356 FAITH!

     P.P.S. After the Porsche gods rewarded the Maestro with
this Amazing Story, the BMW gods taketh away. Remember the
BMW intake-manifold heater Hose the Maestro tried to buy?
And finally bought one that seemed "close" from his
Wholesaler. Well, it was close, but no cee-gar! This hose
had a buncha strange twists and turns, and no matter how the
Maestro tried to twist and turn the damn thing to fit
between the two points on the BMW engine, it wouldn't quite
make it. No joy for Mrs Maestro's car. And therefore none
for the Maestro. 

     And ALL the nice pictures in all the big BMW Books showed
not the Maestro's part. And the Maestro needeth that part.
For his wife's car. BADLY!

     In Desperation the Maestro called the BMW shop where HE
goes when he must. And the BMW guru said- "Oh, Hell, we
just use 8mm high pressure fuel hose for all our rehosing
jobs. 

     "Hosing jobs. I like it," thought the Maestro. OK. I've
got 7mm fuel hose, but where can I find 8mm hose? 
     "You can find 8mm hose anywhere, said the BMW guru
confidently. 

     Now the Maestro has 7mm Porsche fuel line hose, and 912
smog hose, but he has no 8mm hose. So he calls Economy
imports. They have, of course, 7mm and 9mm. No 8mm. So, he
calls Famous Local Porsche Emporium. 7mm and 9 mm. No 8mm.

     So he calls back BMW guru. Look, I can't find 8mm hose
anywhere, how about you sell me a meter? 

Sure, said the BMW guru, why didn't you ask?
     
     Which the Maestro asked, got a meter of hose- and replaced
the water-heater intake manifold heater hose in his BMW in
only 3.3 days. And replacing that hose! Wow!

Amazing what you can do with a 6mm socket of a teeny-tiny
1/8" drive socket when you have to. Especially when you
can't see either hand, nor the socket, nor the clamp. It's
all done by Blind Feel. Hold 1/4" drive socket wrench with
6mm socket on a 3" extension. Feed with Left hand down
towards clamp. Blindly. Use right hand to offer up hose
clamp nut to socket. Blindly. Use thumb of same hand to feed
socket onto nut. Blindly. Left hand turns socket 1/32 turn
at a time. Takes about 6 complete turns to tight. That's 192
carpel-tunnel inducing turns of the socket wrench. Have fun. 

     Note that you WILL cut or rub raw several parts of your
hand(s). The Maestro prefers Hydrogen Peroxide to Iodine on
HIS cuts. They both Sting. But Hydrogen Peroxide bleaches
those baddies with a churning, bubbling action you can watch
to take your mind off the pain. 

     And Remember, you won't EVER have to do this ifin you:

KEEP THE 356 FAITH!!!

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