Note: The following Story is Copyright 1997, by Harry Pellow, 
      All Rights Reserved. Now available on Floppy Disk from 
      HCP Research, 20655 Sunrise Drive, Cupertino, CA 95014. 
      Phone: (408) 727-1864. Fax: (408) 727-0951.
      E-mail: maestro@well.com


(To the tune of the Beatles' "Yellow Submarine":)


Demons live in the Yellow Cabriolet, 
Yellow Cabriolet,...
Yellow Cabriolet,...


     It was one of the First Calls on the First Business Day of the 
New Year, 1997, one that would fix the flavor of the New Year.

     It was a call from a nearly-new Owner of a 1963, 356 Super-90
Cabriolet Owner, one who had just bought his 356 rather recently.
Seems as though the New Owner was a-driving on his way that day to the 
gay city by the bay when his 356 suddenly started running poorly.
So, before he Committed himself to a Breakdown on the Bay Bridge,
he wisely hung a U-turn at the "Last Possible Exit Before Toll Booth" and 
headed back home.

     By the time he got home, the poor car was running so poorly on three or 
fewer cylinders that he didn't want to risk driving it down to the Maestro's 
Shop for debugging. No, he wanted to TOW it down! In the middle of the 
California Monsoon Season no less, during that "week that was" on both sides 
of New Years Day, 1996/1997.

     For days, the Media had been blasting out of all its many mouths
the Coming of a Wrath of God Rainstorm- a series of "Pineapple Expresses",
out to destroy California. The Media barrage was so intense it got people
thinking in Cubits once again, as in "How many Cubits long was that Arc again, 
Lord?"

     The first three Terrible Storms missed California, dropping
less than a quarter-inch of rain in a handful of hardly noticeable 
occasional showers.

     Did the Media "overpromise" on the Storm? Did they Cry "Wolf" once again?
(Film at 11). Did Clinton Rent out the Lincoln Bedroom?
Boy, did they! Hey, Mr. Weatherman, just show me the last 
24 hour Satellite Loop pictures of the Pacific and GET OUTA THE WAY!
     
     The first three storms veered North and nailed Washington and Oregon
with many feet of snow and freezing rain, making a mess.

     The NEXT three storms, however, hit California and
were more like the ones Noah knew- as
the Pineapple Express dumped TWENTY INCHES of rain in five days onto 
the Santa Cruz Mountains, which cascaded into the yuppie's hillside homes, 
sweeping them down the slippery slope on many a mud slide, back to 
the Flatlands.

     All it takes is a solid week of this Special Weather Pattern, wherein 
by Murphy, Low Pressure areas from the Gulf of Alaska conveniently 
line up and "shepherd" a loooooongg line of moisture-laden, highly humid 
Hawaiian Clouds DIRECTLY into California and the West Coast. 

     This is not unlike the Rings of Saturn, which use "shepherding" moons in 
slightly different orbits to keep the ring 
particles stably trapped between them, (and providing nice covers 
for Science Fiction Books). "Shepherding" Low Pressure areas 
guided Five-Thousand-Mile Long Herd of Raindrops straight 
from Honolulu to San Fran over New Years, 1996/1997.

     You'll know the Pineapple Connection has arrived when its
Seventy-Five Mile an Hour winds drive sheets of heavy rain HORIZONTALLY
across the road. Drives cars Horizontally across the road too! 

     One day the Golden Gate Bridge had a TWENTY MILE AN HOUR 
Speed Limit for Hugo Hyena Drivers! Five mph above their Top Speed.

     People in other places call this a Hurricane, but the Maestro 
called it a Typical East Coast Spring Storm and motored unperturbed
down the Freeway that day, just fine thank you, at a perfectly 
safe & sane & now LEGAL 65 MPH. No big deal, really.

     And no big deal for the 356 Owner either for he braved the same storm and
brought down his 356 on his Trailer that day.

     On the Trailer was a 1963 356 Super-90 Cabriolet, which the Owner
unloaded and pushed inside the Maestro's Shop, all 
before the Maestro noticed that there was a new 365 in the Shop, for he
was on the Phone, talking to a guy about an engine whose Valves don't 
move when the Engine turns over. (That's Right- the engine,
shea-turn-a over-a, but the valves, they-a no-a move-a. Not-a bit-a.
Whatsa the Problem-a? But that's another Story, and a Tech Quiz too.)
     
     The Maestro somehow sensed that a 356 had suddenly materialized 
inside his Shop without his knowledge. This happens occasionally-
the Porsche gods sometimes transport their 356's directly in from On High,
using the Porsche gods' own Transporter. After all, the gods are getting 
older too.

     He REALLY began to sense that there was a 356 in his shop by
the sickly smell of California Reformulated Gasoline, Eau De La Methyl
Tri-Butyl Ether, brought in by the newly arrived 356. 
Obviously one with a BAD fuel leak. Probably, speculated the Maestro sniffing 
the Air, yet another gas leak from the old German FABRIC FUEL LINE that's all 
over a 356 and that's now leaking thanks to the new gasoline!

     Having had THREE separate, independent, German, flexible fabric fuel 
lines fail within three weeks (say that fast 10 times), on his 1980 528i BMW 
(now with a mere 215,528 miles), he is acutely aware of fuel line leaks
from the new, Devil Incarnate, Reformulated Fuel, which must be a plot by
bureaucrats to use up the Earth's oil faster and eliminate older cars 
and older owners too, so that eventually, all cars will be new enough 
to implant "devices" to transport your "Real Time" location 
to whatever Gummnt bureaucrat wants it. 

     Maybe add a video camera too. Now, THERE'S a great Parental Control
Device for Teenagers if there ever was one! Especially if installed in 
the back seat of the family car! Ah, the Wonders of modern science.
What would the Maestro have done in his folks' '59 Oldsmobile with a
Video Cam in the back seat broadcasting back home?

     Bring a blanket? Put a picture of a Pasture Scene in front of the lens?
Tap into the circuit and broadcast an Electronically Produced version
of a Continuous, Intelligent Discussion between the girl and the boy? 

     But, as Dennis Miller says, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

     And I digress.

MONDAY:

     The Cabriolet that had just been pushed into the Maestro's shop where he
was on the phone had a bad aroma of cheap perfume- Methyl Tri Butyl Ether-
all around her. Mostly by her rear.

     Sure enough, she was decked out in a unlady-like colors, painted in a
hue of Yellow that Porsche never made but that the Checker Co. might have. For
this was one of those FEW colors that does NOT look good on a Porsche!

     (Some colors- that would look REALLY UGLY on a "regular" car, look 
pretty damn good on a Porsche. Orange for one. Even Purple looks good 
on 911's. Neither look good on a Pontiac. Or a 356. Go figure.)

     THIS Yellow was another color that did NOT look good on a 
356, probably 'cause the Factory never made a lot of 356 Taxicabs.) 

     Also missing was the metal deco strip that should have been inside 
the windshield rubber and without which gives the 356
a not-fully made up look. Like she sorta dressed hastily and didn't apply the
make-up right.

     And the fact that the driver's door had a half-inch gap at the TOP
of the door and a NEGATIVE gap at the bottom of the door- the door
was HITTING the top of its sill- was not a sign of a good past.
And why was the driver's door doing that? Because the lower
door hinge was "spongy", overly-weak from the Body Rust inside and would no
longer support its fair share of the Load. 

     But this wasn't the Maestro's problem. The Engine was.
The Maestro checked out the Engine Number first to see what 
he was up against. The Engine Number on the Third Piece just below
the Generator Stand had a "KD" before it, as in "KD*P*807,xxx", 
which translated from the Original German means it was
a Factory Rebuild of a late 1963 Super-90 Engine. Almost, but not quite
as late as the Super-90 Engine in the Maestro's Porsche Police (Polizei) car.

     The Maestro eyeballed the Engine Type Number on top of the Perimeter
Bolt Nearest the Fan Shroud, almost directly below the Oil Filter can.
There on the Right hand Case Half was "616/7", the correct Engine
Type Number for a Super-90. And what the Factory builds the engine to
when it does a "Factory Rebuild".

     Then the Maestro checked the all-important Case Casting Number 
on the LEFT hand side of the Case. And found none. Nada. Nothing. And 
nothing had been "ground down" there either. The Case never had a 
Case Casting number.

     Which means it was a "Replacement Case". Which is not unusual, 
since this WAS a Factory Rebuild of a Super-90, the Factory used a new
Replacement Case. Replacement Cases never have Case Casting Numbers because
Case Casting Numbers are only put on Cases that the Factory accepts and
will use in an engine. (Having checked many NEW Replacement Cases,
it is the Maestro's opinion that Replacement Cases
might also be Factory "reject" Cases that aren't quite good enough for them
to use, but are perfectly good enough to sell to you as Replacement Parts.)

     The Factory often used a new Replacement Case (with no Case Casting 
Number) when doing a Factory Rebuild. Wouldn't YOU if the old 
case was too bad to reuse and you had a buncha new cases lying around? 

     You Betcha!

     Unfortunately, this Factory Rebuilt Super-90 had been re-rebuilt 
a few times after leaving the Fatherland, at least once by a shop 
on the Wrong Side of the Bay. 

     The Maestro began to eyeball the Engine. And immediately noticed that
it was a European Heater System with the Bifurcating Schnoz off the
Right-Hand side of the Fan Shroud. That Big Nose blows fresh air from
the Fan Shroud (BEFORE the air gets contaminated with exhaust fumes)
down through the massive European Heater Boxes wherein
lie some 5 feet of sometimes Very Hot Exhaust pipe. 

     In fact, so MUCH heat is generated by all that hot exhaust pipe inside 
those massive European Heater Boxes that cooling air must ALWAYS be 
circulated through them! Otherwise they get much too hot and may be part 
of the reason why European Heater Engines seem to warp their Cylinder Heads
more often.

     The Maestro also noticed that the Required & Necessary
three-foot long, 4" diameter Fabric Tube that takes Air from the Fan Shroud
Shnoz over to the Driver's Side Euro heater box was either Invisible or 
MISSING! He checked. Nope, it wasn't invisible. It just wasn't there. 
Gone. Vamoosed.

     He got down on his hands and knees, not in awe of her beauty, but 
to check out the Heater Connections to the Body under the car. Again- NONE! 

     In a "working" Euro Heater System a pair of flexible "Tubes" connect 
the air horn of the Euro Heater Box to the Control Valve on the car's 
underbody. One on each side. But not this time- both tubes were missing!
GONE!

     No "Tubes" means no heat to the car to warm the occupants, 
even through the engine is hotter n' Hell. Clearly another case of
Murphy's Love of Irony.

     "Don't get much heat in the car, do you?" said the Maestro to the owner.

     "Well," said the Owner. "The Heater Systems in these cars don't 
work very well." 

     "But, your European Heater System- which can heat a small HOUSE-
doesn't work AT ALL! The connecting tubes aren't even there!" said the Maestro.

     "Oh, said the Owner. Maybe that's why it's been so chilly lately...."

     The Maestro moved his eyeball around the engine- and quickly
found some mis-installed sheet metal. The dip Stick shroud was installed
BELOW the Cylinder tin of the #2 cylinder.
     
     That's not right! The Dip stick shroud should be ABOVE (or on 
top of, if you prefer) the Sheet Metal piece for Number 2 cylinder.

     Why that? Because if the Dip Stick Shroud is UNDERNEATH the
Cylinder shroud, it spaces the cylinder shroud upwards by the
thickness of the Dip Stick Shroud. Yes, for the Dip Stick Shroud
it's NOT a big deal- a millimeter or two but it increases air gaps
and it's NOT the way the Porsche gods like it to be. 

     A Quick glance at the Fuel Pump Shroud on the left-hand side
of the engine showed it too was installed the wrong way- UNDERNEATH
the Cylinder Shroud for #4 cylinder instead of on top of it.

     And it was there that the Maestro noticed Something Interesting.
More proof of the Truth that whenever you mis-install a part where it ought 
not to go, you gotta MIS-install some other part somewhere later
down the line. Your mistake FORCES you to make more mistakes.
That's why Mistakes come in pairs. Tragedies in Threes.

     You'd think they'd be No Big Deal about installing the Fuel Pump
Shroud UNDER the #4 Cylinder Tin, but you'd be WRONG! It DOES makes a 
Difference.

     Really it does. Ifin the Fuel pump shroud
goes underneath the #4 Cylinder Shroud, the screw holes of both 
pieces will no longer line up right! Which means you can't get the Cheese
Head screw through BOTH sheet metal pieces (which you gotta do, 
as the screw is SUPPOSED to go through both sheet metal pieces!)

     So, in an otherwise pretty nice Powder Painted engine, here was a 
"missing" screw in a highly visible place that could not be installed 
without either surgery on the sheet metal or lots of time to
correct the original mistake.

     The previous shop decided that the way it was, was good enough for 
a Customer with a Third Under Crank, and left the screw out. 

     It was also a Good Example to point out to the Customer.

     The Maestro's eyes switched to the Plug wires- and recognized the 
expected, damned Volkswagen Plug Wires, whose presence is Required, nay 
MANDATORY, 100% of the time in any Turkey Engine Rebuild. When these 
damn VW plug wires are used with Weber Manifolds, it's almost
impossible to remove a plug wire from a plug withOUT separating 
the VW connector from its wire. 
     
     Then, you gotta use PLIERS to remove that insidious tapered-cone 
VW plug end which is designed to be IMPOSSIBLE for the human hand to remove
when lightly or heavily oiled (such as ALWAYS occurs in Turkey Engines).

     So, when you DO use a pair of pliers to get the damn VW plug end
off, you BREAK the VW plug end! And Curse. And of course
have a Hellofa time getting 
the pieces out! (A nice pair of Needlenose pliers works pretty well.)

     Once the Maestro gets the damn broken VW plug ends outa the shrouding,
he throws them to the ground and JUMPS UP AND DOWN on them! They bring back
Nightmares of his days working on Volkswagens.

     You much bettah off REPLACING all the VW stuff with Porsche
plug wires and Porsche "Ends". Real Porsche Plug Wires have
soldered distributor connectors that "click" into place inside the Distributor
Cap, making for a good tight seal. A much better seal
than many VW plug wires which simply sit limply in the 5 holes of the
Distributor Cap, just waiting for any amount of suction from the 
Fan to ride the winds up, out and off the Distributor, leaving you 
stranded by the side of the road. Again.

     Most Importantly, Real Porsche Plastic Plug Ends have an easily-gripped,
"raised bevel" on their end, interfacing with you, the human.
Makes for EASY removal of the plug end. And truly a Joy for a mechanic
to Behold when he sees them on an engine.

     No Joy on this Cabriolet. It had plug wires with "VW Spark Plug Wire" 
written all over them, (as if you didn't know what they were) and 
Weber Manifolds- the worst possible combination. Heap Bad Joss.

     The Maestro moved his eyeball around in an attempt to locate the
source of the gasoline leak. Though
the Reek of Reformulate hung heavy in the air like early morbidity,
(Wow- what a GREAT name for a bad New Age perfume- "Early Morbidity". Bet the 
boy/girls with all the rings in things would dig that deeply), the source 
of the leak of reeking gasoline was not obvious. Only one thing to do.

     "Start it up." said the Maestro to the Owner. "Just make sure it's in 
Neutral, reach in and turn the key. I'll do the rest back here."

     The guy reached in, put her in neutral and turned the key to start.
The engine began cranking, and the Maestro vigorously
goosed the carb linkage back and forth, pumping reformulated fuel
down her throats whether she liked it or not.

     Cough, Cough. Pop, Pop. WrooomMMMMM. Went the Engine. The Maestro adjusted
the goosing rate to keep her running. It was obvious she's not runnin' on 
all four no mo'.

     The Maestro reached over to the front Idle Mixture screw of the 
Right Hand Weber and began to adjust it. It just began to adjust when the 
Maestro felt a funny feeling. A funny feeling of cold liquid running over
his arm. Since there usually aren't any liquids, cold or otherwise around 
that area of an air-cooled Porsche engine, the Maestro was immediately 
Suspicious. And pulled his arm out. And THERE IT WAS. ALL OVER HIS ARM!

THE HORRIBLE, DEADLY REFORMULATED GASOLINE!

     Ordinarily, the Maestro would have been
Anesthetized by the Medicinal Properties of such quantities of
Methyl Tri-Butyl Ether all at once, absorbed directly through the skim.

     But fortunately, he was wearing his Class IV WW3 De-Con suit "borrowed"
from a Large, Generous Electric Company and now used for Peaceful Porsche 
Purposes.

     So where was this evil gasoline coming from? Oh, don't all shout at once.
Yes, the Weber Carburetor seemed like a likely candidate, for the gasoline 
was a-shooting out of the bottom half of the Weber, all over the VW Spark Plug 
Wires. 

     The Maestro pointed out the Owner, the Fountain of Fabric 
Fuel-Line-Eating Chemicals, formerly know as fuel, that was flowing 
all over his Powder Painted Right Hand Side Horizontal Shroud.

     "What's that wet stuff?" the Owner asked.

     "I think they call it "Gasoline" these days, but it's a misnomer."

     "But where on the Weber Carburetor is it coming from?" asked the Owner.

     "Don't know. Said the Maestro "Can't see. Gotta remove the Weber 
Carburetor."

     Meanwhile, this being the First Business Day of the New Year,
the Maestro had a gaggle of Distinguished Visitors to his Shop, and it was 
now Standing Room Only. Looked like a Good Time to take a break from 
the Yellow Cabriolet.

     The Distinguished Visitors included no less than
Our Leader Himself, the Originator, the Head Honcho, the Numero-Uno-Man-o,
one whose perseverance single-handedly brought the 356 Registry out of 
the horse and buggy days and onto the Internet, via:

356-talk-request@356registry.org 

     Which, with one e-mail to the above address that contains only ONE word
in the Body of the e-mail, and that word be "subscribe", without the quotes,
you too could have the key to 356 happiness. Because, Eventually. Real 
Soon Now, Maybe Someday, some, a lot, or all of man's 356 knowledge 
can be electronically transmitted to you!
     
     Yes, it was none other than Robin Hansen himself- a Gentle 356 Owner
who convinced the 356 Registry to spend some of its Gargantuan
"Booster fund" money to sponsor the "356 Registry" Internet group, for the
Betterment of 356's all over the World. 

     Well, has the 356 Registry's Internet Group been a Success? 
Did Clinton Inhale? Do 356's need to be driven? 

     The Maestro shook Robin's hand and congratulated him- and all the 
Web-wise 356 lovers who helped make the Best Damn 356 Porsche group
on the Whole Wide Web! 

     (The Maestro's been on most allll them "Porsche" groups and checked out 
the Sites. Absolutely Nooooooooo Contest. The 356 Registry group wins
hands down.)

     Robin flew out from Phoenix to the Maestro's Shop to pick up a 
dozen of the red felt-like gaskets for the Solex/Zenith Banjo Bolt that 
attaches the fuel line to the Carburetor. Robin thinks the red felt gaskets
work much better. The Maestro agrees and gave him a dozen.

     The Maestro also had a couple other guys who "just happened"
to be in or around the left side of the Country during New Year's
and decided to stop in. Fortunately, they all called BEFOREHAND to make 
sure it was OK to bop in, BEFORE they bopped in unannounced. 
So the Laser Disintegrator was not set to "KILL & RECYCLE" mode 
when they arrived.

     Several Fathers/Son teams took the tour to show their boys the Table
of Terror with the Badly Broken Porsche Parts stacked on top.
Other Old 356 Owners were showing New 356 owners the affects of not
treating their new 356's right. It was Educational Open House at the Maestro's
Shop.

     It wasn't until 6pm that night when the assembled multitude dispersed
sufficiently that the Maestro was finally able to get back to the Yellow
Cabriolet and pop off her Right Hand Weber. While so doing, he got a close
up view of the work the other shop had done.

     Pretty nice powder paint. Except that now it was very dirty all over from
a multitude of oil leaks. Pretty nice powder paint all over the
carb linkage arms too, making it all but impossible to adjust the
carb linkage rods. Which may have been why the carb linkage rods had NEVER
been adjusted. Which may be why the Right Hand Weber opened well before
the left hand Weber Carb did, which is why the Maestro CAD PLATES 
his linkage arms- so he can ADJUST them. Makes life easier.

     As the Maestro was working on the Right Hand Weber
he noticed yet another of the Standard Turkey Mistakes- mistakes
Turkeys never realize they're making.

     This one was the "Stretched Weber" Syndrome. Allow me to explain.
Late model 356's (and all 912 engines) have a "spring plate"
on the right hand side of the Fan Shroud to hold up (and adjust too- 
Yes, the spring plate also "adjusts" the position of the Top Linkage
Cross bar. It's nice to "adjust" the top Linkage Cross bar so that
it's about the same distance out from the Fan Shroud on both sides.
Didn't know that? Don't feel bad. Now you know how to adjust the
Top Linkage Cross Bar. Turkeys never know.)

     Anyhow, the "spring plate" is held to the Right-Hand
side of the Fan Shroud by three 6mm bolts. Which it was. This is normally
all Good and Correct.

     However, this Screaming Yellow Cabriolet used 40 IDF Weber Carburetors. 
with the Weber Manifolds. Which was wrong, Wrong, WRONG!

     No, when using 40 IDF Webers, it is a Better Idea to use the 
SOLEX Intake Manifolds with the Adapto-Plate.
That way, the Weber, the Adapto-Plate and the Solex manifolds are all
of 40mm bore, PLUS the sheet metal fits without cutting or grinding, 
the spark plugs can be removed easily, and
the Weber is raised a little higher by
the thickness of the Adapto Plate. The last item turns out to be a Very
Good Thing.

     And had the boys on the Wrong Side of the Bay used Weber Carbs with the 
SOLEX manifold and the Adapto-plate there would have been Noooooo Problem.
And no Story.

     But because the Boys used Weber Carbs with the WEBER manifolds,
the Weber carb sits significantly LOWER- closer to the cylinder head, and the 
Left Side of the Right hand Weber hits the heads of two of the three 
bolts that hold the Spring Plate to the Fan Shroud.

     When this happens, the Weber won't sit flat on its gasket. Turkeys 
never notice this, and ifin YOU DON'T notice this and start to tighten down
the mounting nuts on the Carb, you'll squeeeeeze the Weber against the 
bolt heads in the Fan Shroud!

     With the top side of the Weber being impaled on the bolt head, and 
the nuts at the bottom being tightened, this produces what is known as the 
"Stretched Weber" Syndrome. And good things don't usually result.

     This one had the Syndrome- Badly.

     (Note: when using 44IDF Webers- like in a hot-rod engine- the 
Weber Manifolds work better since they're 44 mm diameter (4mm more than 
the Solex 40PII) and line up PROPERLY with the 44mm throat of the
44 IDF Weber Carb. But, of course, you MUST check for this interference 
DURING ASSEMBLY, when it can be successfully addressed by either:
A. trimming the bolt heads, and/or B. removing the THICK 
6mm washers and using thin 6mm washers, and/or C. machining the Weber 
Manifold at a slight angle to provide enough clearance between Carb and 
bolt head(s).)

     While pointing out the Manifold Mistakes in the assembly of this 
brazen hussy, made so dirty in such a short time, the Owner happened
to show the Maestro the Invoice from the shop that rebuilt the
engine. 

     The Maestro perused the paper. There were Part Numbers like
616 100 130 75, The Maestro went into Deep Thought for about 37 milliseconds
until the lookup table buried deep within the Maestro's somewhat 
twisted brain made a Connection. And told the Maestro:

     "Uh, Maestro here are the results: The "616" means it's a 356.
The "100" means it's a Main Bearing Set.
The "130" means it's a Super-90 Main Bearing Set. And the "75" means 
the Mains are ALIGN-BORE, for a First Over Case by SECOND Under Crank.

     Which means that inside this engine there be a set of Impossibly Rare, 
Super-90 Align Bore Main Bearings!

     Where the Hell do you get THOSE these days??? It used to be at Only One 
Place- also on the Wrong Side of the Bay. And now also out of Business. 

     So NOW where do you get these exceedingly rare bearings ifin you 
ever need to do the engine again???

     Well, cough, cough, the Maestro's got a few. In the Emergency Parts 
Supply, of course. Reserved for Those Special Occasions. 

     The Maestro eyeballed the next part number on the
Invoice and found it to be the number for THIRD UNDER ROD BEARINGS!
Geez.

     So this Brazen Hussy had two or three tummy tucks and
a Second Under by THIRD Under Super-90 Crank in a First Over, Align-Bored,
Factory Replacement Case that had then been re-rebuilt two or three more
times down the road. Such a Deal.

     And the NEXT time the engine needs a rebuilt,
what a Problem you'll have- finding these Special Bearings, or finding another
Case or Crankshaft (or both) when all are rarer than Hen's Teeth and
more expensive than a night in the Lincoln Bedroom.

     But what made the Maestro REALLY stand up and take Notice of was the
listing on the Invoice of the item: "Clean pistons, cylinders and rings."
Clean the Rings? Not "Replace" the rings? 

     Could be. There was no part number listed nor price shown
anywhere on the Invoice for New Rings. 

     The Maestro finally got the Weber Carburetor off its manifold
and was wondering how to test it for leaks. He thought first of the 
Simple Solution. Use a hand-pumped
356C/912 Fuel Pump connected to a Source of Gas and fed to the Weber's
Inlet line.

     With a few pumps of the C/912 fuel pump in
your hand you can duplicate the Carb's life on the engine.

     But from the high flow rate of this particular leak, the Maestro figured
finding it shouldn't be a serious problem

     And indeed, it wasn't. For as the Maestro was turning the Weber over
in his hand, it emptied a quantity of Cold, Deadly Reformulated Liquid
gasoline all over his hand- just like the new Puppy Mrs. Maestro got 
for Christmas did the other day. Only that liquid was warm. But 
that's another Shaggy Dog Story.

     The Maestro warily eyeballed the badly un-housebroken Weber with his
optically aided eye. And there it was- one of the two lead
"soft" plugs at the base of the Weber- (used to plug holes drilled 
in the side of the carb) had fallen out! Completely Out! Leaving a 
1/4" hole which rapidly drained the entire gasoline contents of the 
guy's Float Chamber ALL OVER HIS SPARK PLUG WIRES!

     And ifin you have old, deteriorated, ARCING 
Plug Wires in your Porsche, and such a carburetor leak, how quickly 
can you say "Fire!"?

     In this Screaming Yellow Cabriolet, the plug wires though they be
Volkswagen were fortunately relatively NEW Volkswagen plug wires-
new enough NOT to arc, ...yet. And, despite all the "Car Fire"
Traffic reports on KCBS, nothing set off the deadly, 
highly volatile, explosive, reformulated gasoline (which, by the way,
now explodes under conditions that "real gasoline" won't. Like inside
the Vapor Space of a storage can. Isn't Progress Wonderful? 
Aren't Government Regulations just GREAT?)

     Needless to say, the Owner of the Yellow Cabriolet was EXACTLY
right to have TOWED his car to the Maestro's Shop and not try to drive it!
(This is, of course, one of the few Exceptions to the "356's Should Always 
Be Driven" Rule! Gasoline is no longer something to play with.) 

     Indeed, this Owner was one Very, VERY lucky Porsche Owner. 
Some Porsche Owners are like that- with the Luck of Gladstone Gander. 
The Maestro isn't.

     The Maestro got one of the NEW Webers installed on the Right Hand Side, 
(after "modifying" the Right Hand Spring Plate bolts to make
sure that the Weber did NOT hit the Spring plate bolt(s) this time!)

     Just as he needed it, the exact-length Cad Plated linkage arm needed 
for the carb adjustment jumped out of the vast pile into
his arms. The Porsche gods brought it over to him on a Silver platter.

     Before installing the new Porsche plug wires, the Maestro
pulled the plugs and found strange NON-extended tip Bosch
Platinum Plugs. The ones that "never foul".

     Two of the never-fouling plugs were fouled because Murphy loves Irony. 
But since they were the two on the side with the bad Weber, the Maestro just
replaced them with W5AC's, put on Porsche Plug wires, attached his 
ever-faithful mechanical Oil Pressure Gauge and fired her up.

     Ruhh, Ruhh, cough, cough, sputter sputter, whoom, whoooom, whoooooooom,
The Thrice Rebuilt Super-90 finally fired up. The Maestro
goosed her gas pedal in the right rhythm until that which passes for
"gasoline" finally reached the new Right Hand Carb. Then she went WHOOOOMMMM!

     And idled.

     The Maestro reached out his Magic Fingers and began to adjust #1 
cylinder's Mixture Screw on the NEW Right Hand Weber. It adjusted perfectly. 
So did #2 mixture screw. Even #3 and #4 on the other Weber carb adjusted.

     So with the engine running fairly well, the Maestro pointed
his Magical "Adjustable" Timing Light on the crank pulley. And saw 
about Top Dead Center at idle. He revved the engine up. The Spark Advance
got up to maybe, 23 degrees Advanced. Not enough. Porsches like to see 
from 30-35 degrees High Speed Advance, not 23. 

     The Maestro closed his eyes and Visualized a VW Distributor in the
Porsche. Then he opened his eyes and looked down at the Distributor.
The Maestro leaned in as far as he could and eyeballed the Distributor's 
Body. Yep, it was Aluminum. He read the Last Three Digits of the Part Number.
Yep it was VW! Yep it was the .009. Yep, that was too bad.

     The Maestro readjusted the .009 VW distributor as best he could
(and whose Clamp had been installed 180 degrees bass-ackwards by the
previous shop), to provide about 7 degrees advance at idle.
THEN the High Speed Timing went to almost 30 degrees. Almost good enough
for Government Work and a lot better than it was, but not as good as a .050!

     The Maestro again readjusted the idle jets now that the
engine was warm and timed properly. They adjusted noticeably better,
making it possible to find jussssst the right mixture for each cylinder,
the Top of the Hill- where a mere 10 or 15 degree rotation
of the mixture screw
either way from Perfect makes it run worse.

     It helps when doing this that you have "The Touch". 
It helps even more just to DO it- that's how you get "The Touch"-
by ADJUSTING CARBURETORS! You don't get it by Osmosis, bo'!

     The Maestro got out his Synchrometer, his Air Mass Meter of choice
and MUCH better than any "Unisyn"- with which to adjust the carbs. He 
stuck the Synchrometer into each of the four throats of the Velocity Stacks,
one at a time, seeking Balance and Perfection in All Things but finding 
Reality. Eventually each side adjusted to near 5 Kg/Hour air flow.

     Then for the Secret Test- carefully the Maestro reached over the LEFT
Side of the Front of the Fan Shroud ("Back" of the Fan Shroud to Turkeys),
to avoid the flying finger-eating Blades of the Fan Itself on the RIGHT Side
of the Fan Shroud!), and grabbed the Bell Crank from the
carb linkage. (Turkeys now grab what remains of the hand they just
stuck into the Fan because Turkeys don't know the LEFT side of the
Fan Shroud from the RIGHT.)

     The Maestro moved the top part of the Bell Crank towards the Front
of the Car, opening both throttles the same way your foot does and, while
watching the tachometer through the back window, ran the engine to about 
2000 RPM, ensuring that all the linkage slop was taken up and the 
Carbs were fully off their "stops".

     Then, with the Synchrometer in each carb, the Maestro
could see ifin both carbs sucked the same, side to side.
If so, what a Great Time to go for a Test Drive! 

     (If not, try CAREFULLY bending 
the Right-Hand Arm of the Top Linkage Cross Bar "outwards" or
"away" from the Fan Shroud to raise the flow of the Right Hand Carb.
CAREFULLY Bending the arm inwards "inwards" toward the Fan Shroud lowers 
the air flow through the Right Hand Carb. Don't go too far either way.

     By DELICATE manipulation of that arm, it is possible to have both
Carbs sucking the same at 2000 RPM, or sufficiently above idle
that all the "slop" in all the sloppy Carb Linkages is taken up.)

     It does tend to run better that way.

     Finally the Test Drive. But RIGHT THEN, just as the Maestro was about to
break his arm patting himself on the back, the engine began to cough and 
run roughly. The Maestro revved it up. More backfiring and decided unhappiness.

     Then the engine died. Right in front of the Maestro. And the Porsche 
gods. As he was touching it! 

     What could POSSIBLY be wrong?

     The Maestro was pretty damn sure he knew the answer to this one.
Customers- for some reason- always seem to bring their cars in with
3.56 gallons of gas in the tank. Right at the Normal/Reserve Boundary,
(not unlike the K-T Boundary in Geology) and such that the car runs 
"out of gas" while the mechanic is working on it!

     What a great test for a Customer to conduct! To see just how good the 
shop really is at diagnosing, or not. Don't do it too often to Good Shops
though, 'cause the Good Shop will find the Problem! And
bill you an additional Three Hours Labor for "Diagnosing" that it's outa gas.)

     The Maestro's transmission rebuilder, the Wolfman, insists that 
all Customer are Nefarious and PURPOSELY leave their cars with only a 
half-gallon of gas in them- so that the boys at the shop can't 
drive 'em very far.

     The Maestro thinks that's way too paranoid. Besides, many times
a gas leak has been big enough to suck most of the gas out of the tank 
in the drive to Safety! Like this time.

     The Maestro doth believe that Murphy somehow finds a way to empty 
the gas tank before the car gets to the Shop.

     Somehow, the Maestro KNEW that this was why the engine died.
It was that kind of day. That RARE kind of day when everything goes
RIGHT! A Sign that maybe, just maybe, the Maestro had lived
his life pretty well last year. He had answered enough
letters/faxes/emails/phone calls and solved enough Impossibly Rare Porsche
Problems to please the Porsche gods. And he passed the gods'
Yearly Evaluation!

     And it was then that the Maestro had to take a break and his Trusty
Truck out to UPS. Returning from UPS, who should the Maestro spy waiting
at his door? Parked diagonally across the entire area where the
Pick Up Truck usually parks? Ignoring the two EMPTY parking places
with "HCP" stenciled in TEN-FOOT LONG LETTERS? The FBI? The CIA? The KGB?

     It was an old 911. Inside the 911 was Dick,
one who seeks Answers to Questions few of us will ever think of.

     Among many other things, Dick asked to take a few 
pictures of selected examples of the Maestro Broken Parts Collection. 
Certainly, said the Maestro, but only under the Proper Adult Supervision.

     Which is when a Wireless Mercury came running through the door 
directly to the Maestro's Somewhat Twisted Brain to deliver a message 
to the Maestro downloaded from the Porsche gods' ISDN line.

     Mercury passed the packet to the Maestro's Server.
The Maestro's Server, his Center of Higher Reasoning, read the message
and told the Maestro:

     "They said: '356 ENGINE, EXPLODED VIEW'. Do you know what that means?"

     "Of COURSE!" said the Maestro.

     "THAT'S RIGHT!" said the Porsche gods.

     "OK, Richard," said the Maestro. "I just had a message,...uh, 
I mean I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I've got a few
large pieces of Virgin Cardboard, I'll lay out the parts. You take 
the pictures. You can use the pictures on your Web site,
but I hold the Copyright. Do we have a Deal?"

     (Much haggling.) Later:

     Deal.

     The Maestro got out the Holy-est 356B Porsche Case- the one
with the Dramatic Holes in BOTH case halves. And laid out the worst-looking
Twisted, Bent, Deformed Rods. Badly Broken Cranks. Flywheels with
sheared-off crankshaft dowel pins still inside. "Holy" pistons of all
Denominations. Fractured Fillets galore. All Prime Examples of either
the Forces of Nature or the Workmanship of Turkeys. All complete with
a Story. With a Thousand Parts in a Porsche Engine, there are a lot
of Stories.

     Inspired, the Maestro began to Sculpture a Masterpiece.

     As the parts were laid out, a Dramatic Picture ensued. A Porsche
Engine made up COMPLETELY of BADLY BROKEN PORSCHE PARTS is a sight
few humans will see. Just as well too, for it's TERRIFYING. The Maestro
even makes sure he leaves an important part or two OUT of the Sculpture
at night- for fear this Monster might come to life and attack his engines!

     Each broken part was carefully selected for it's Terrible Tale of
Trauma. Tales to be provided too, on the Maestro's World Wide Web Site.
Or Somewhere. Someday.

     Instead of the usual Beautiful Porsche Parts in the usual
"Exploded View" Outlines in the Factory Manual, here you have a
Picture of "Reality", what happens when the new really wears off! 
It's a:

"356 Engine, Exploded View" of the:

     Ultimate Turkey Engine!

     Made into a Video (Director's Cut Currently Available,
unedited, with all the Boo-Boos, 2 hours 40 minutes, $25 American),
and maybe a Poster, this oughta sell a Million. 
Jerry's just gotta have it as a guest on his TV show!

     (Actually, the Video has already been made! A One-Hour "edited"
version for PG-13 use, and a Two-Hour, unedited, raw footage of
the mistakes, gaffs, airplane take-offs and phone-ringing Boo-Boos,
R-rated for excessive violence to the wallet caused by broken,
expensive, Porsche Parts.)

     The  35 Engine "Exploded" View was done over the space of a week 
or two when a large enough area of the Shop's floor was then unused. And 
it helps a lot when Customers with innate Artistic Ability rearrange
the broken parts into a Picasso-like Collage of Pain and Trauma,
ala Ingmar Bergman. You can really Feel The Pain the owner's wallet
experienced.

     The Second Week of the 1997 New Year was a little more productive.
Monday, the Maestro changed out the Carbs on the Yellow Cabriolet, but 
when he drove it the gas pedal linkage was overly sticky, wouldn't go 
all the way without binding and went sideways after that. 

     As a result, the Yellow Cabriolet had only about 
1/3 throttle and the power of a poorly-tuned Volkswagen! Definitely not right!
The owner would NOT be IM-pressed with the Maestro's work ifin
he got the car back like this- even though that was the way it was when
it was running "OK" before!

     The Maestro knew he'd have to bite the bullet and repair probably
ALL the bell cranks in the carb linkage system. Ones that hadn't been
cleaned and lubed and adjusted in THIRTY YEARS! And, of course:

     He was right!
     
TUESDAY:

     He started at the Transmission Bell Crank. One quick grab and wiggle
of the Bell Crank and it was Immediately Obvious that the plastic 
Bushing inside had died long ago. 

     He also noticed that the Borden Tube- the "housing" for the Clutch
Cable was rubbing on the outside of the Bell Crank. The Maestro
has noticed the rubbing of the Borden Tube in most EVERY 356 he's
worked on- including his! He doesn't know WHY the Factory routed the
Borden tube this way- 'cause sometimes, when tolerances sum really
unfavorably, the Borden tube REALLY rubs on the carb Bell Crank,
causing a lot of friction and HOLDING the carb linkage OPEN.
Sometimes WIDE OPEN!

     Sigh.

     When he took the Bell Crank off, what did he find? That the bushings
had left soooo many years ago that the Bell Crank had worn a Big Bad
Groove in the supporting "shaft" sticking out of the Transmission!

     Double Sigh.

     So he ordered a few sets of new Bell Crank Bushings from the Loco
Porsche Dealer.

     Of course when the Bushings arrived and the Maestro tried to install them,
he found that: A. The Bushings would not go over the Transmission "shaft" 
And B. Went inside the bell crank with way too much clearance. 

     Sigh.

     So he took a long walk through his Field of Transmissions, looking at 
all the Bell Cranks still thereon. He found a few, in fact he found 
THREE different kinds of Bell Cranks! One for the 356A, one for the
the 356B/C and one for the VERY rare Transition Model 1960 356B,
was used for only 6 months, with the Single Front Mount,
that has its own Special Bell Crank.

     He noticed that the 356"A" bell crank used the "shaft"
on the transmission for the actual Bearing. And that
there were no plastic bushings inside, just grease. Hummmh.

     The 356"A" bell crank was also THINNER, of smaller diameter than the 356B,
which would actually be good to reduce the interference between
the Clutch Borden tube- wedged between the transmission and the Bell crank-
which was now a-squeezing the bell crank and causing
mucho friction on the carb linkage system.

     So, he tried using a 356A bell crank on a 356B. Worked Perfectly, (once 
the rod was cleaned off and good grease added to both.) Oh, and Uh, there
is a different "feel" to the gas pedal- the Factory changed the input/output
ratios from the 356A to the 356B. The 356A had a longer "arm" for you,
making the gas pedal swing further to open the throttle, but requiring
less force from your foot.

     The 356B's Bell Crank was changed, giving it a shorter "arm" that requires
more force but moves the linkage at the engine more. 

     Using the 356 "A" Bell Crank in a 356B makes for an "easier to push"
gas pedal that must move a bit further. It also provides more clearance 
for the Borden Tube too. Such a deal.

WEDNESDAY:

     While he was where he was, underneath the car, he noticed that the 
European Heater System was indeed MISSING both flexible connecting tubes that 
carry Warm Air from the Engine to the Transmission. Meaning that there
had been Absolutely NO heat going INSIDE the car before!

     The Maestro can fix that quickly. Soooo he got
out an old Euro Heater Tube that normally goes from the Bifurcation Schnoz to
the left-hand heater box and cut it in half. Each section could then
be trimmed and made to fit from the Euro Heater horns to the
Damper Valve- thus providing at least SOME heat to the car for the first time
in a looooong time!

     Microseconds after he finished the job, the phone rang, and the 
Maestro had to stop.

THURSDAY:

      Since the brakes felt funny, the Maestro decided to check 
the Master Cylinder up front, so he popped the Front Trunk and looked
in. 

     And what a Surprise he got!

     Most 356's have a 6-volt Battery up front. Some 356's, like
Polizei Cars, Carreras and 12 Volt Conversions have a 12 Volt Battery 
up front.

     The Maestro's even seen an EIGHT volt battery up front

     But the Maestro's NEVER seen BOTH a 6-Volt AND a 12-Volt Battery
up front! 

     Which is what the Yellow Cabriolet Had!

     What kind of Electrical System does this Beastie have anyway?,
wondered the Maestro, his Center of Higher Reasoning still rebounding
from the shock of seeing a 6 and a 12 Volt battery in the Trunk.

     The Maestro eyeballed the 6-volt battery first. It was in the Stock
Position, with the stock Hot and Ground wires attached. The Maestro then 
eyeballed the 12 Volt Battery in the middle of the trunk. It was wired to
what once was an audio amplifier, but now was a Highly Corroded and
therefore Worthless piece of Electrical Junque, corroded
from the Sulfuric Acid fumes leaking from both Batteries. 

     The 12 Volt Battery also had its ground wire running to the 6-Volt
battery's Negative Terminal. A bundle of wires went from the now-Worthless
amplifier along Driver's side of the trunk to disappear through the
dash.

     Great, thought the Maestro should one of those wires, Hot with 12 Volts,
touch any of the 356's 6-Volt Wires, the 6-volt Battery will get a
Big TWELVE VOLT SURPRISE. And a Real Quick Charge. Which may
boil off enough acid to REALLY corrode the Cabriolet.

     (But wait a minute Maestro! If the 6-Volt Battery is in the 
Stock Position, and the 12 Volt Battery is in the MIDDLE of the Trunk, 
then where is the SPARE TIRE!

     The Maestro asked himself That Very Question, and already
knew the Answer.

     "Uh, there IS NO Spare Tire!"

     Oh, so when the Yellow Cabriolet gets a Flat Tire, there's no Spare,
so you're STUCK- probably on a Real Bad Section of Freeway- where there
are no longer shoulders. (When the Maestro first moved to California
in 1968, there used to be Iceplant in the Freeway Medians, on the shoulder
and around all off ramp "cloverleaves". Real pretty and reason enough 
to come to California. 

     But now, 25+ years later the population explosion of the Silicon
Valley required that the Iceplant no longer cometh, and paved over
all the plants, expanding the Freeways to the Max, as they say.
Along with the Freeway Expansion came the Sound Walls from Hell-
15 foot high walls of Cold Stone designed to scatter sound waves randomly
throughout the neighborhoods. These Stone Walls make driving on a Freeway
like driving down a concrete river channel- a linear MOAT, that's more than
slightly claustrophobic and with no way to get any elbow room since the 
Median and the shoulder are now traffic lanes.)

     All the more reason why you REALLY don't want to Break Down on 
I-880. But ifin you should, wouldn't it be nice to have a spare tire
to get going again ASFASTASPOSSIBLE!

     In such a situation, having no Spare Tire could lead to Early Morbidity.

     The Maestro unscrewed the four 6mm Cheeses Head Screws from around
the Access Plate in the front trunk and pooped it off and looked downward
at the Master Cylinder,

     Not a nice sight to see. Lotsa Rust on the BRAKE LINES.
Lotsa rust on the Master Cylinder itself- especially on the BOLTS 
holding it to the firewall. It was Obvious this Master
Cylinder hadn't been off in years.

     All the rust on the brake cylinder and brake lines sure told the
Maestro that the Only Way to Fly these days is with a DUAL Master Cylinder.
And since this particular conversion now EXISTS (German Motors and/or
Klause has them), this should be the conversion for you! 

     Having INDEPENDENT Front and Rear Cylinders
so that you have AT LEAST SOME brakes if anything fails
is MUCH better that the Original System that is CURRENTLY IN YOUR 356
such that ANY brake fluid leak or failure in ANY Line, ANY
slave cylinder or master cylinder, ANYWHERE will result in
the TOTAL LOSS OF ALL BRAKES!

     Which System would YOU rather have in YOUR car? 

     I thought so.

     The Maestro went to the Driver's side Door and again got down on
his knees- again not in Awe, but to take out the rubber floor mat,
to get at the Front Gas Pedal Bell Crank, 
only to find a piece of Insulating foam installed between the rubber 
and the wooden kick panels. Why the hell would they put foam here? 

     The Maestro soon found out why when he got the wood kick panels
out- the front closing piece where the emergency brake cable comes through
was GONE! Completely rusted out to a 2" x 4" HOLE! 

     The hole, of course, was facing the oncoming air stream and
directing the coldest of air right up your pants leg. Hence the insulation.

     Another reason why a Rusty Cabriolet with NO heater system
is not a warm car in the Winter!

     While Inspecting the Gas Pedal Area, the Maestro also spied that 
Hidden, Troublesome, Hard To Get To 2" long piece of Fabric Fuel Line that
connects the metal fuel line coming from the Fuel Cock gas tank to the 
metal fuel line going through the transmission tunnel. Unlike Trusty 
Rusty's fuel line, this 2" section of Fabric Fuel Line
was NOT leaking. (But YOURS may be! Better check it next time you're there.)

     Ifin this little piece of fuel line leaks, you get a STRONG smell 
of gasoline INSIDE the '62-'65 356, even though
the Fuel cock is OUTSIDE the car. It's not the fuel cock that's leaking- 
it's that damn flexible line! And that damn flexible line is WELL-HIDDEN.
under the Driver's side floor board!)

     The Maestro finally dug down deep enough into the
crud layer to find the Bell Crank that pivots to operate the carb linkage.
He tried to move it back and forth- it was VERRRRY stiff. The Maestro
got out his WD-40 and the Marvelous Mystery Oil and began spraying
and moving the pivot. Eventually, after many fun-filled minutes 
the pivot was rotating freely once again. 

     The Maestro lengthened the gas pedal linkage to be long enough to clear 
the added insulation and hooked up the gas pedal without replacing the
wood panels and rubber floor mat. (That way he could try out the finished
result first and make adjustments. Ifin he put everything back together 
again, something wouldn't be right so he'd have to 
take everything apart again! This is all part of how to Deal with Murphy.)

     That done, he returned to the engine compartment and replaced the leaking
rebuilt fuel pump with a new one and replaced the stupid .009 distributor 
with a new .050, reset the Timing to 33 degrees High Speed Advance and 
a nice 5-6 degrees advance at idle, replaced both Powder Painter carb 
linkage rods with Cad plated one so the carbs could be ADJUSTED, and adjusted
the carbs.

     And went for a drive. And Boy, WHAT A DIFFERENCE! 

     The balky, hesitating, sputtering, sickly-yellow Rustbucket
that had been towed in, became a smoothly running Screamin' Yellow 
Dream Machine. 

     With a gas pedal feel straight from Porsche god Heaven- like the Good
Herr Doktor meant it to be, the smoothly operating pedal assembly finally
had the capability, for the first time in 20 YEARS, of FULL THROTTLE!
Something that was only a twinkle in her eye before. It was like she
suddenly got 30 more horsepower!

     In fact, the car ran so well that the color look better!

     And the Maestro learned that same thing over again for the 
Hundredth Time: No matter how well the engine is REALLY
running, ifin the gas pedal linkage is all screwed up, the engine
will feel all screwed up too! And so will the car! And so will the
COLOR of the car! It's the Law of Poorly-Running Cars:

     "No matter how Bad the Color of the Car is to begin with, 
it will always look Worse if the car doesn't run right."

     He also learned a few other things from a Simultaneous phone call 
from another Euro Heater Owner across the Country. Specifically,
why the Factory used four "Extended" or "Longer" studs to mount the 
Euro Heater Muffler "Girdle" to the two studs on the
Third Piece of the Case.

     OK, you win, let me explain.

     The first of the Euro Heater Systems in 1963 (like this one was),
attached its "Girdle" for the muffler directly to two unmodified lower 
studs on the left and right hand sides of the Third Piece of the Case.

     Unfortunately, clearances are a bit tight here and not much of the
Case stud protrudes to attach a 8mm flat washer, a spring washer and 
the 8mm nut. And, remember, all Third Piece Case Nuts are Originally,
12 mm across the flats, but you really want to use a 13 or 14 ATF nut 
here to better hold the "Girdle" to the Third 
Pierce of the case. But you can't anyway- 'cause there's no room to
fit a 13 or 14mm socket or wrench into that tight a space.

     This turned out not to be a good idea. Since you couldn't get a 
large flat washer in to support the "Girdle" on the third piece, 
the two "Girdle" pieces always CRACK at the LOWER stud, on both the 
Left and Right hand side!

     THAT'S RIGHT! EVERY European Heater System "Girdle" will CRACK
at the Lower Stud hole! You Euro Heater Owners oughta go out RIGHT NOW
and check out your lower Girdle holes just to see- it might save you 
losing the Muffler!

     The Maestro noticed this as he eyeballed five girdles- all with
IDENTICAL failures- the area around the lower stud hole in EACH Girdle
had cracked and broken off- taking the hole for the stud with it as it
went! It was the thing we Dreaded most in the Nuclear Industry-
the Common Mode Failure!

     Which is why the Factory modified the Design in the
later-model Euro Heater Systems, by making a Minor Modification to the Case.
     
     Late-Model Euro heater Cases have four EXTENDED STUDS (OK, LONGER studs)
in the positions where the Girdles attach! Then, a 1/2" spacer (basically a 
very "thick" washer), goes over the longer stud, and then the spring washer 
and nut.

     The longer studs on the Third Piece of the Case coupled with the
"spacer" move the nut "out", further away from the Case- making it more
ACCESSIBLE to a wrench for example. And, overall, making for a 
better grip on the Girdle.

     The guy on the phone with the Euro Heater knew all about this too,
and ordered studs from a fairly famous Midwest Porsche Dealer. But when 
the studs came, they were only slightly longer than "regular" studs- 
not quite long enough! Close but no cee-gar.

     The Maestro agreed to go through his stud collection and see
ifin he could find the right ones. He chose this time to ask the guy.

     "So, I guess you'll have to take the Third Piece OFF again that
you just put ON to REPLACE those Four Studs, don't cha???" said the 
Way-Overconfident Maestro, now, thinking he was nearly Nostradamus.

     "Uh, well, not exactly." said the VOP. "I got the studs out
of the Case withOUT having to take the Third piece off again!"

     "Why, that's AMAZING," said the Maestro. "And HOW did you get a good
enough grip on the little bit of stud that sticks out through the 
Third Piece there? There's NOT enough room for the double nut technique to 
work."

     "No, that's right. There isn't. A "REGULAR" 8mm nut is too "long". 
But I ground down a couple 8mm nuts until they were about half thick, and used
two of them. Tightened both against each other and out came the Studs!"

     "Wow," said the Maestro. "That's a GREAT Idea- and what's even 
BETTER- Porsche already MADE the nuts for you- they're the half-thick 
nuts on the Aluminum Rocker Stand of 356B Supers, Super 90's C/SC' and 912's. 
There're about half the thickness of a "regular" 8mm nut and
have the right pitch and they're ALREADY ON YOUR engine, (unless of
course, you have a Normal.)

     Boy, were the Maestro's wires overheating because of all that
Data Transfer. He'd better get off the phone now before Pacific Telekinesis
comes to a grinding halt.

     
FRIDAY:

     The Yellow Cabriolet was almost ready. The Gas Pedal linkage system had a
new Lease on Life. The Engine had its oil changed, valves adjusted, 
new plugs, wires, new Webers, a New Fuel Pump (With the Fuel Pump Shroud now
installed the way it shoulda been!), and a New .050 Distributor.
All it needed now was the Final Touch.

     Since it was a 1963 with a European Heater System, it no longer had
the Flip Top Box Oil Breather! (Didn't know that? Now you do.)

     The Screw-on Cap type oil Breather did not really start with the 
356C. It stared with the 1963, 356B European Heater System because the
Big Bifurcating Schnoz on the Right Hand Side of the Fan Shroud got in the 
way of the Flip Top Box Breather. Or Vice Versa. Sooooo, it was out with 
the Old Flip Top Box, in with the New Screw-On Cap Oil Breather that
continued throughout the 356C models and all 912's.

     With the Screw-on Cap Oil Breather came the Vent on the
right hand side of it that, in 1963, vents NOT to the Right Hand Carb
but to a Special Dip Stick Shroud which has a funny 2" extension on top. 
A flexible hose mates with both the Dip Stick Shroud and the Breather Can
to achieve Closure.

     That's also why there is a funny little "ring" on the Left Hand Side 
of some of the Euro Heater Bifurcating Snozes! That little "ring" is 
on the Shnoz to Guide & Hold the flexible tube on its way 
to the Dip Stick Shroud!

     Is that clear?

     This 1963 Super-90 engine, suffering through several overhauls 
AFTER the Factory rebuilt it, somewhere along the line lost that 
Special Dip Stick shroud with the funny 2" vent. It was 
replaced with a "regular" 356C Dip Stick Shroud with no vent.

     So, the previous guys vented the Breather Can to the Right Hand 
Weber Carb. 

     The Previous guys on the Wrong Side of the Bay used a hand file
to sorta machined a hole in the top of the Air Filter on the Right Hand 
Weber. They then stuck the right-angle tube from a Wire Mesh Solex 
Air Filter inside the hole in the Weber's Air filter top. Higgelty-Piggelty.

     Unfortunately, when the boys stuck the breather tube through
the Air Filter, they thought not about the Weber below.
(They didn't have to- for THEIR Webers had no velocity stacks-
just a sharp-edged, right-angle air entrance.) So, the tube would
point straight down the Throat of #2 cylinder- the one with the bad 
spark plug.

     Maybe there is a reason for that fouled plug!

     Anyhow, the Maestro's Webers HAD Velocity Stacks that smooooooth
out the Air flow a sufficient number of Pipe Diameters ahead of the
Venturis to allow the venturis to operate effectively as
a Venturis. 

     (Velocity Stacks also keep out of the engine
the loose nuts and washers from the base of the
air filter that Turkeys don't install with enough care.)

     However, the old Air Filter Top with the "machined" hole had the hole
drilled such that the right angle pipe HIT the Maestro's velocity stack!
And no way of rotating it to the side would help!

     The Maestro had no choice. Now, he could have used the quick expedient
and "machined" himself a hole with his hand drill. But this time he
felt a Special Obligation to Do It Right! After all, the Porsche
gods were watching him! 

     So, he grabbed a NEW Air Filter Top along with the old one. Tossed 
them into the Yellow Cabriolet and drove on over to Jay's for a proper fix.

     And there a proper fix was obtained- as Jay dug out his 3/4" drill for the
Bridgeport. Cobbled together out of a piece of wood a rather elegant 
"jig" to hold the Weber Air Filter Top just so during drilling. 
And drilled a perfect hole right where the Maestro wanted it- 
ALMOST midway between the center screw hole in the Air Filter Top 
and its edge. 

     That way the Blowby would exhaust BETWEEN the Weber
Velocity Stacks, onto the flat base of the Air Filter.
Gaseous Blowby, containing any oil droplets would be deflected against the 
Air Filter Base, and drop out its liquid components, leaving only 
Gaseous Blowby to be sucked into both Venturis. Theoretically 
it was a primitive Centrifugal Separator! Practically, it works 
surprisingly well. As it did here.

     While Jay bored the Air Filter Top, he and the Maestro downloaded
and compared Experiences of the New Year. After a few mutual Telling 
of Tales, Jay turned to the Maestro and said- 

     "Y'know," said Jay. "You may have something there about
the Powers That Be evaluating what you did and how you did it last year,
and Rewarding or Punishing people accordingly. I've noticed recently hoe
those people who were a pain in the keister last year seemed to get
their comeuppance just this Week! And Good things DID seem 
to happen to Good People. I even found a Classic Toy Truck in an out-of the
way antique store out in the Boonies when that Eureka trip got rained out by
the Monsoon. Had the Original Paint, and Aluminum wheels, and..."

     "Yeah," said the Maestro. "The first week of the New Year is when
the Grades come out in Life. Tells you what your year may be like. too".
And makes you wanna:


KEEP THE 356 FAITH!

     It was also on that very same Friday when the Maestro got HIS own Faith
Rewarded. He was at Eurasia Imports, a Very Large Importer of Porsche, 
BMW and Mercedes parts, where he once went to eyeball a Virgin Set of 
911 Pistons tucked into 912 cylinders. The ones where the 911 Piston was 
80mm in diameter and the 912 Cylinder was, as we well know, 82.5 millimeters 
and the Running clearance was 2.5mm- almost an EIGHTH OF AN INCH!!!
Disaster Direct from Mahle!

     The very same place.

     This time the Maestro met a German Mechanic- one
who was complaining loudly about all the lousy parts today. And how he had to
have his good mechanic take 2.5 hours each time to change a Jetta water pump
THREE TIMES 'cause all 3 water pumps FAILED a week or two after
installation, making the Customer think the shop was REALLY bad!

     The German Mechanic finally found a Japanese water pump for the Jetta,
after the Chinese, Korean and Russian water pumps died early deaths.

     The Maestro shared his similar experiences with Malevolent
Mahle Pistons and Bad Bosch Starters with the German mechanic and
everyone had a Great time lamenting the poor quality of the parts and
'whaddya gonna do about it but the best you CAN do???

     After the War Stories had been relayed, the Maestro and the Mercedes 
mechanic went out to their respective cars. The Maestro was driving
wifey-poos 1980 528i BMW.

     As the Maestro was backing up, the Mercedes Mechanic came over to 
the Maestro's 1980 528i BMW and said; 

     "You know- that's the BEST BMW that BMW ever made!

     The Maestro says- "Yep, I sure agree with you."

     The German Mechanic says:

     "I used to work at the BMW Dealer. The 1980 528i had the LOWEST 
warranty Claim Rate of ANY BMW made either before or since!!

     "Yep," said the Maestro. "That's what I heard too."

     "Oh, Ja," said the Mercedes Mechanic. "Sure, we had a few problems
with the Computer on the 79 528i, but they fixed that in 1980. Ja,
that 1980 528i was really the Best of the batch. And dose 528"e", 
oh, are they SCHISEN!

     "Yep, I agree with that too!" said the Maestro. "I've got 
215,000 miles on it. Original Engine, never had the Head off either.
Original Clutch too!"
     
     "Original Clutch," shouted the Mercedes Mechanic in disbelief.

     "Yep," said the Maestro. "It was wifey-poos' car."

     "Then tell your wife she is a pretty GOOD Driver," said the 
Mercedes Mechanic.

     "You know- she's the one who put most of the miles on it and-
actually, she IS!" said the Maestro, 
sticking a post-it note onto one convolution in his somewhat twisted brain
to tell Mrs Maestro about this conversation.

     "Well, whaddya think? Can I get 300,000 miles out of it?" 
asked the Maestro hopefully.

     "Does, it smoke?" asked the German Mechanic.

     "Only at start-up," said the Maestro. "I use Synthetic oil in it
and change it every 4000-4500 miles. Burns a quart every 1200 miles or so."

     "Well, then maybe you will get 300,000 out of it."

     The Maestro liked to think of that as a Promise.

And he:

KEPT THE FAITH!

SATURDAY:


P.P.S. 
     Yes, the Maestro was just Overflowing with OverConfidence that
Saturday when he finally changed out the 115 Mains and F-11 Emulsion
Tubes that come with the Webers to something that works Much Better. 
And took the Yellow Cabriolet for its final test drive before the 
Customer would pick it up.

     Everything checked out "A-OK" and the Amazing Amount of Power 
from that 86mm, 1719.4 cc Engine was a sight to behold but much mo' better
to Feel. The Brakes, however gave one pause for they were ah, Unpredictable.
Instead of the Brakes being Good and the Tires Fair, the Brakes were Fair 
and the Tires Good. Neither a good rhyme nor a winning combination.

     So, when the Owner came to retrieve his Beloved Super-90 Cabriolet,
the Maestro was Supremely Confident the Owner's trip back home would be
successful and uneventful. Clearly, the Porsche gods deemed it would be so. 
Right?

     Wrong!

     The Crescendo of Self-Congratulations washed over
the Maestro as he Watched the Owner drive the Yellow Cabriolet out the 
driveway, constantly Overrevving the engine now that the carb linkage 
was so LOOSE! Not "Loose", just Without Friction. Smoooooth. Like it ought be.

     And with FULL THROTTLE!

     The Maestro took this opportunity to wander over the Dungeon
of Fry's Electronics, and check out the I-Omega 100 Megabyte "floppy"
for backing up his tons of stuff.

     And buy a Tripod for the camera to take the Picture of the Beast-
The Turkus Maximus, the Most Destroyed Porsche 356 Engine In The Universe.
It's:

     356 PORSCHE ENGINE, "Exploded" View.

     or maybe that should be:

     356 PORSCHE ENGINE, "eXPLODed" View

     On the way over to Fry's the Maestro had a funny feeling. 
No, it wasn't from his noontime sandwich. It was Kinda Like:
"Gee, maybe I SHOULDA stayed at the Shop, just in case Something
Happened to the Customer on his way home. Naaah, after all I've done 
on the car, the Porsche gods will protect me."

     Don't count on us all the time, bo'. 

     The Maestro found out at Fry's that the $50 rebate on I-Omega
had run out the previous day. Not a Good Sign. So to make the trip
to Fry's not a waste, he got a 25 foot phone chord and left. 
He still had That Funny Feeling, and it was getting worse.

     Arriving back at the Shop, he nervously punched the telephone
button- and got that Special Dial Tone that tells you 
a Voice Mail message is waiting.
     
Uh Oh.

     So, he dialed the Voice Mail Computer girl and she said
YES he DID have a message, so he said yes, he wanted to hear it, and the 
Computer girl played the Message. 

     Yes, it WAS from the Owner of the Yellow Cabriolet.
And YES, the Owner of the Yellow Cabriolet WAS broken-down!!! 
About 12 Miles Due North as the Crowded Interstate 880 doth crawl-
in the height of the Rush Hour.

     But you already guessed that, didn't you?

     Fortunately, it was the height of the SATURDAY Silicon Valley Rush Hour, 
which isn't much of a Rush Hour compared to the Real Thing, so it's 
not too bad a trip.

     "Do you know what happened it?" asked the Maestro, hoping it would
be something simple, but fearing The Worst.

     "Yes. A piece of carb linkage came apart and fell off," said the Owner.

     Uh Oh. "That wouldn't happen to be the LEFT hand Carb Linkage,
would it by chance?" (the one the Maestro was using to adjust the carbs.)

     "Why that's AMAZING, Maestro. It IS the one on the Left Side," 
said the Owner.

     "OK," said the Maestro. "You convinced me. I'll get my tools and 
come right up."

     The Guy gave the Maestro 
directions (at the Shell Station off the Alvarado Road Exit on The Dreaded
I-880), and the Maestro quick as a bunny grabbed a
Set of all Possibly Needed Tools- wrenches, screwdrivers and pliers and a few
linkage arms, and Oh, yeah, a set of Jumper Cables just in case the Crazy
6 AND 12 Volt set-up in the front battery box area was hooked up weird!

     The Maestro plopped the tools into the trunk of his 1980 528i BMW
and headed off to do battle on the Two Lanes of I-880 on the 
outskirts of Sambo Se.

     Not much battle to do. Light traffic all going the Standard
California Speed of The Speed Limit Plus 10mph. A Smooth
75 mph journey.

     Except that there were TWO "Alvarado" exits. The Maestro took the 
First one and found Construction Debris everywhere but no Shell Station 
anywhere.

     So he negotiated what appeared to be a Figure 8 and headed back North on
I-880 for a couple miles to the next Alvarado Road exit whereupon
he pretended he was a 356 breaking down and followed his Instincts.

     Over to the right side of the road around the off ramp. Hug that
right side. Coast straight on down the road to the nearest possible
gas station which happened to be the Shell Gas Station and Car Wash
(mostly car wash) on the corner.

     The Maestro pulled his RescueMobile Bimmer into a conveniently
open parking space and walked back to the Yellow Cabriolet, which was
once again not looking so Good.

     The Maestro eyeballed the engine compartment area as he had done
sooooo many times before. He looked for the missing linkage piece.
But the linkage piece was not missing anymore.

"Huh? The linkage piece is sill in place!" said the Maestro.

     "It is now," said the Owner. "I put it back together again and put it back
on. But I couldn't tighten it up. I don't have a tool kit."

     Or a Spare Tire thought the Maestro.

     So, the Maestro showed the Owner how to pop off a carb linkage
arm by placing a 10mm Open End Wrench on the ball/socket Interface just soooo,
and off pops the Arm. How to tell the difference between 
those arms whose ends have REVERSE SCREW THREADS? One has a Left hand Thread
the other a Right Hand Thread, so that "Tightening" or "Loosening" 
either one the wrong way can be (and has been, many many times), 
Fatal to a linkage arm.

     And how, by careful twisting of the arm with both ends "free"
allows the Lengthening or Shortening of the entire linkage rod.,
It GROWS or shortens as you rotate it. This way makes it longer, that
way makes it shorter. Longer. Shorter.
     
     This is so you can adjust the linkage arms to exacccccctly open both Carbs
at exaccccctly the Same Time, Simultaneous-Orgasm like.

     The Maestro knew he had tightened down ONE of the nuts at least,
and Theoretically That Should Have Been ENOUGH, because
the Linkage arm can NOT "Unscrew" itself if ONE of the two "ends"
is tied down by its nut. Think about it.

     Theoretically, that is Absolutely Positively 100% Correct.
In the RealWorld, Theory means little. PRACTICE is what
matters.

     In this case, the Linkage arm "popped offa the Ball of the Weber 
Carb, THEN the end which was loose was also free to wiggle. Wiggle always
means "unscrew" itself.

     Gravity and Engine Vibration (and yes, being a non-Maestro Engine 
it DID have Engine vibration), together conspire and
provide the Energy Source necessary to unscrew
the "end" of the arm which promptly falls off.

     Fortunately, the guy FOUND the other end of the Linkage
Arm on the rear plate!

     Actually, he didn't know it but the guy found the linkage arm, 
BECAUSE the Maestro brought THREE of them with him, JUST IN CASE. (You need 
at LEAST "Trips", Three of a Kind, to call "Murphy" in his game.
Two pair won't win against him.)

     The Maestro reversed the Linkage Arm's
socket connections and the lower one was now a much tighter fit.

     Then, he showed the guy how to eyeball the Throttle Stop
Screw and the Weber throttle arm and note when BOTH Webers come offa 
their Idle Stop Screws at the
Same time. And when that happens, there you Are- Perfection.

     The Maestro tried the first approximate setting. The Right hand 
Weber opened long before the Left hand Weber did.

     "I see it!" said the Owner in Amazement. "This Weber on the Right
is opening First".

     The Maestro agreeing- says: "Yes. that's right. Exactly. Right.
So we LENGTHEN THE arm on the Left hand side, first by a full turn 
followed by fractional turns when we get close 
enough. 

     This time, both Carbs as if by Magic, opened at the same time. 
It was the same Setting the Maestro had done at his
Shop after many trials, perfectly preserved in the linkage arm's
non-volatile Memory.

     "OK," said the Maestro. "Let's try that length,"
popping the linkage arm back on. 

     "And here," the Maestro said to the Owner. "Take this spare
Linkage Arm with you- just in Case."

     "Are you Sure?" said the Owner.

     "Yes," said The Maestro. "It'll allow you Safe Passage Home.
It's the Password the Porsche gods promised me, and
I'll get it back some future time. But if I DON'T give you this 
linkage Arm, by Murphy, you'll break down AGAIN. 

     The Porsche gods like Offerings. They're not Cheap gods.

     THIS time the Maestro followed the Yellow Cabriolet
back down the rat-like construction maze to the
freeway entrance whereupon the Owner went North on I-880
to Oakland (poor guy),
in the Yellow Cabriolet- the best car Porsche made, once upon a time.

     And the Maestro, a little chagrined but still Happy, went South
on I-880, back to the Silicon Valley, in his 1980 528i BMW, the Best BMW 
ever made, each driving into the Setting Sun.

AND KEEPING THE FAITH!

     Twenty minutes later the Maestro arrived back at his Shop and
dithered around for a half hour cleaning and rearranging things,
waiting for the dreaded phone call that didn't come.

     So, the Maestro took some initiative and dialed the Owner's phone number.
And it rang and rang and rang. The Maestro was about to give up and 
hang up when the phone was answered. It WAS the Owner!

     "It's you!" said The Maestro. "You made it!"

     "Oh," Maestro. "YES, we made it. And it was TREMENDOUS!
     I almost got a ticket from the CHP for doing 85 on that
sweeping curve where I-880 joins I-980!"

     "Yes," said the Maestro. "Having a 356 the same color as a 
Screaming Yellow Zonker does tend to attract the Polizei."

     (And you BET it does- SAAB (or Volvo) once published a picture of a group
of cars way out in the last row of their parking lot during a dreary, foggy
day. Bright Yellow was clearly the Most Visible.

     Has something to do with why Yellow fog lights are better too.

     Anyhow, this Bright Yellow naturally attracts the Attention
of the CHP, NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE! That particular Yellow is
of an Allowable Frequency that penetrates the Highwayman's Sunglasses.
Camouflage Brown, such as on the Maestro's Peek up Truck, is however,
Completely ABSORBED by the Highwayman's Sunglasses, and the Maestro,
effectively rendered invisible, slides on by while the Yellow 356
(BMW, NISSAN HONDA, etc.) gets nailed.

     That Certain Yellow just sorta catches the eye that way. 
So BEWARE- you are being noticed!
     
     So once again the Maestro re-learned again that it's nice to 
RECHECK your work One More Time after you think you're done- and tighten down 
that SECOND linkage arm so it can't move. Maybe then it'll stay on right,
and won't have to drive on non-photogenic Freeways to rescue a broken-down
Customer whose break-down is your fault.

And you'll:

KEEP THE 356 FAITH! 

TECHNICAL BULLETIN:

     P.P.S Tech Tip of 1997: Ifin you have a Weber Carburetor (either
a 40 or 44IDF) then you really ought EPOXY the Soft Plugs at your 
First Opportunity!

     The Weber "soft plug" is a lead plug that's use to plug an access 
hole the Weber Factory needed for drilling internal passages.

     These lead plugs are kept in place by "peening" the material of the
Carburetor around the lead plug, thus entrapping it.

     From the close examination with the Maestro Biological Unaided Eye,
at VERY close range, It looks like the new guy at the Weber Plant
who "stakes" the lead plugs is afraid to hit the Carb too hard.
So he hits it not hard enough. And the deformation around the soft
plug isn't sufficient to HOLD THE LEAD PLUG IN PLACE!

     Which means? That the:

     LEAD PLUG COMES OUT!

     Which Means that:

     ALL THE GAS FROM THE FLOAT CHAMBER LEAKS ALL OVER YOUR SPARK
PLUG WIRES! Which means:

     Ifin you've been too Cheap, too Lazy or too Bad a Boy recently, 
the plug wire will Arc and yet another Car Fire will Start.

Which means:

     That your Car becomes a FIRE INSURANCE TOTAL.

     Which, if YOU HAVE NO INSURANCE means that:

     You are being Punished.

     But ifin you EPOXY or DEVCON your Weber Soft plugs, (and you guys with
Solex- don't think you're immune to this problem either!
No- you have a copper "plug" in the Solexes that when it comes out can 
RUIN THE ENGINE by causing the carb to suck in wayyyy too much
air at part throttle situations and possibly fry a Piston.

     Zenith owners needn't pat themselves on the back either
thinking they have no diseases to catch- for there are MANY
"soft" plugs on a Zenith. Most are never a problem. But when one leaks,
you have one VERY subtle leak to try to find when the Gasoline evaporates
before forming a noticeable "puddle". (Good Luck)
(The soft plug on the TOP of the Zenith is particularly insidious.
Check it out.)

     And maybe, just maybe, was there a role played by
this Newfangled Reformulated Gasoline, (TODAY only in California but 
soon to be at YOUR Neighborhood Friendly Self-Service Gas Station too!
Just wait!)? Might this new gas subtly INCREASE the corrosion
of the Lead Plug (or the carburetor) to cause Rapid Deployment
of the Lead Plug? Followed by the entire contents of the float Chamber-
gasoline- pouring all over your spark plug wires, followed by fire, ...

     Nah. The Maestro figures it was a Factory Original Defect.

You just have to:

KEEP THE 356 FAITH!

     And Finally: The Owner was nice enough to post an e-mail message
to the 356 Registry group about his Yellow Cabriolet. For your interest,
here is what it said: 


Maestro,

NO, this has nothing to do with the First Quiz. I enjoy those quizzes, but
they are a couple of levels of detail beyond my own Porsche expertise
(which goes something like, "Gee, isn't that carburetor linkage supposed to
be attached and not Slowly Twisting in The Wind? I wonder how to fix that.
Hmmm...")

NO, I write to express great appreciation for the work you did on my 63
Super 90. Now, with another 25 of 30 horses running it feels more like the
car I expected. I want all of those on at least this list to know that you
did a terrific job in thoroughly diagnosing my problem, putting in two new
Webers, replacing an improperly rebuilt fuel pump, putting in the right
.050 distributor, finally giving me heat through my European heater system
that had only half its parts -- and at least a half dozen other little
fixes, all at a price that was MORE than reasonable. (What I mean is LESS
than reasonable, in that I got MORE than I paid for, and I nearly always
get LESS than I pay for when it comes to mechanics...)

You also went way beyond the call of duty when I ran into a little problem
on the way home from your shop, rushing out tools in hand and, not just
fixing the little problem, but making absolutely sure I got home just fine,
thank you.

The Porsche is running great, much better than when I bought it eighteen
months ago after it had just been rebuilt. As I learned from working with
you, the rebuild job was barely competent, even though done by a shop of
well-repute in Marin. I had carburetor problems ever since, until you just
replaced them. I would also point out, for those on the list, that I really
lucked out: one of the "plugs" on the side of the carburetor popped out,
spewing gas in the engine compartment. With the rough ride (having lost two
cylinders), I turned for home immediately, then had it towed to your shop.
Even though I drove only about 5 miles, I shudder to think what a single
spark would've done... There must've been a quart of gasoline in the engine
compartment. My advice: GET A FIRE EXTINGUISHER!

Harry, thanks again.

Chris

Chris S. King
CellNet Data Systems, Inc.



One More Thing:

     Of course, the Maestro mentioned the Weber soft plug "fallout" problem 
to the young Salesman Dude at the Importer. (Like many other companies
in the automobile parts world, the Importer had been bought out/merged
with another Auto parts supplier, thereby reducing the Competition and,
eventually raising the price. In the process, the Maestro Lost Angeles
Salesman Dude was replaced by a Northern California Salesman Dude. 

     Yet another Salesman Dude to train. Geez.

     So the Maestro began training the new Salesman Dude for several months,
as he was doing the same with Mrs. Maestro's new puppy.

     And his training paid off! The new Salesman Dude actually called up the 
Boys in the LA Head Office- and told them about the Weber soft plug
problems the Maestro has had, and how they were becoming PRETTY 
DAMN COMMON!

     And somebody at Head Office actually LISTENED! For the Maestro got
the word to call Bud at Head Office. So the he did.

     And Bud listened patiently to the Maestros vivid description of
the soft plugs falling outa the Webers and the gasoline gushing out onto
the plug wires and HAD THERE BEEN A BAD SPARK PLUG WIRE, the WHOOSHH
of Flames and a Fire Insurance Total. Any maybe a liability lawsuit
against WEBER for such an occurrence.

     And Bud said he'd check into it.

     The Maestro, having told his previous salesman time and time again of
the Problems Weber had and how to fix 'em! And Time and Time again, with his
old salesman, he got absolutely nowhere. "We never had that problem before"
You're the ONLY guy who's had these problems. And such.

     But Bud was no previous salesman. He actually went out and CHECKED
out the Webers in Stock and IMMEDIATELY Ordered that all the
soft plugs be removed and ALUMINUM PLUGS put in! 

     Boy, was the Maestro IM-Pressed by that! Finally, some Action!

     But isn't it too bad that when the Weber guys got their
carbs "Smog Certified" by the State of California
for mid-'70's Hon Dat Toys, that they didn't certify the 40IDF Webers
for PORSCHES too???

     The Maestro told them back then that it would be a Damn Good Thing to do.
But did they listen? No. Then, they said-
"But all cars are exempt after 20 years, so by the 1990's ALL the 912's
will exempt anyhow. So there's no need for us to certify Webers for 912's."

     They hadn't counted on the State of California CHANGING THE RULES
OF THE GAME!

     Like they just did last year with Smog Check II.

     What had been previously been "20 years and out of the smog test loop" 
became you NEVER get out of the smog test loop! (Unless you're a 356!)

     Do the Weber boys regret NOT certifying WEBERS for California?

You BETCHA!

     But there's still Hope. The Originator of the Dreaded Draconian
Smog II law, Quentin Cobb, has proposed a modification to EXEMPT all cars 
25 years and older! If this law is passed by the next Millennium, 
then ALL the 912's will be EXEMPT! Say Hallelujah! AND WRITE CALL,
E-MAIL or PESTER Quentin AND YOUR STATE REPRESENTATIVES! Don't go quietly
into the night or a Hyuandi

And:

KEEP THE 356 FAITH!

P.P.P.P.S.  All your Writing And Calling and Pestering of your
Elected Officials has done some GOOD! In September, 1997, the California
Legislature passed a law EXEMPTING from the SMOG II test ALL 1973
and EARLIER vehicles.

   Which Means that ALL 912's ARE EXEMPT FROM SMOG TESTS IN CALIFORNIA!
Say Hallelujah! 

   And ifin it can work in California, it can work in YOUR State too!
Keep the Faith and keep those cards and letters pestering your
elected representative!

  P.P.P.P.P.P.S.
                   About 9 months later, the Yellow Cabriolet made
a second appearance at the Maestro's Shop on the back of a tow truck.

    This time, the Owner was a-driving it up a hill in Bezerkeley
when ALLOFASUDDEN  the  engine was no longer connected to the
Rear Wheels.

   After the Owner quizzed the 356 Registry Internet Group for Ideas
and tried them out,  there was no choice- something definitely was
wrong, was wrong, was wrong,...

    After the car got to the Maestro's shop, it became clear that
it was Transmission problem, so out went the Full Moon call
to the Wolfman,  the Maestro's Transmission Subsidiary for
a Rebuild.

   The Maestro pulled the engine out and the Wolfman pulled the
Transmission.

   A month passes until the next Full Moon. The Wolfman returns,
installs  the rebuilt transmission- which had all SIX Ring Gear
Bolts BROKEN off-  the  Ring gear was held on and kept from falling
into the Hammers of Hell only by the nubs of the broken nuts!

    Had the car been TOWED from the rear, the Ring Gear would have
come off and  DESTROYED most/all of the transmission.

   Fortunately, the 356 was flat-bedded down to  the Maestro's Shop.
Love those flat-bed tow trucks- they save money sometimes!

    Also- the Driver's side Axle was badly BENT- which is unusual and
usually means  the car was HIT on the side. Sho' 'nough, when
the Driver's side was inspected more closely- the rubber snubber
had lost its rubber, the inside of the Brake Drum was rubbing on the
outside of the brake shoes, and, suspiciously, the Driver's Side
Backing Plate was much cleaner than  the Passenger's side. Something
had happened there, Sherlock.

     Anyhow, with  the transmission rebuilt and reinstalled,
the Maestro went  to reinstall the engine. He got it in, but when installing
the tailpipes noticed that the Muffler moved a bit more  than it should.

   The Muffler was European- and , of course, was missing the
"girdle" that attaches to  the Third Piece of the case and really
supports the European Muffler.

   Since the girdle was completely missing,  the Euro Muffler was
supported only by the 4 clamps holding it to the pipes of  the European
Heater Boxes.

   This turns out not be an adequate support, and all four muffler pipes were
CRACKED and leaking at the muffler.

   The Maestro replaced the muffler, installing the Girdle pieces
and large straps that grab  the muffler, ala a 911.

     And upon fire-up the Engine sounded MUCH better- no funny popping
sounds, no more backfires. More power and quieter too- now that's a DEAL!

    Only one problem- the gearshift lever was loose as a goose. And it
wasn't the "U-joint" bushings between the Trans and the shifter linkage.

   So the Maestro popped out the Gearshifter to eyeball  the 
plastic bushing therein.

   And  what did he find?

    Instead of a plastic bushing he found a Gray Mass inside the 
shifter "cup"
 
   Carefully threading his Magic Finger into  the shifter cup,
the Maestro let it search around.

   EEEEEWWWWWWWEEEE.

    It sure felt like no plastic bushing or the remains of
one that t he Maestro's ever seen!

   He eyeballed the shifter cup more closely.

   There was a Gray Mass deep down inside it. Once again his Magic
Finger reached in and finger the mess.

  It felt just like PUTTY!

   His Magic Finger retrieved a sample for terrestrial
analysis.

   It WAS PUTTY!

    Someone had gilled the shifter cup with PUTTY because  the
plastic had gone to the happy plastic hinting ground.

  PUTTY! Can y you believe it!

   So  the Maestro bought a couple of Plastic Shifter Bushings
from Linda at Carlsen's Porsche in Palo Alto, and popped
one of the bushings into the Gearshifter
*(after cleaning o out all the Putty, of course.)

   And  what a DIFFERENCE! Instead of being "loose as a goose"
the shift linkage  coupled to a Wolfman rebuilt Transmission
was snick, snick, snick once  again-  like the good Herr Doktor
intended!

  Bet the Owner  will be IM-pressed in how much better his transmission
shifts now!

These things happen ifin fin you:

Keep  the 356 Faith!